The Importance of Hope
by SmilingSarah
Summary: Having just married Jamie, Landon must learn to depend on the hope that only God can bring as he awaits the full extension of the Lord's plan.
1. The Beginning of the Ride

Chapter One:  

The Beginning of the Ride

            _"What do you do when your every dream is realized in one moment, when everything that your heart has secretly longed for is now reality?  Where does your life go from there?"  _

I was pondering these very questions as I pulled out of the church parking lot.  Jamie had scooted over to the middle of the front seat, resting her head on my shoulder.  We had just fulfilled both of our number ones – publicly declaring our love in front of family, friends, and most importantly God.

"I just don't know…."

Apparently I had spoken aloud, for Jamie tilted her head to look at me. "Don't know what?"  A peaceful smile rested upon her face.

"I just don't know how my life can get any better than it is at this very moment."  My response was sincere, yet it lacked the uneasiness, the uncertainty, and even the fear I held toward the future.  

Somehow, she must have picked up on my subtext.  "Oh, it will… just you wait."  Her smile was growing, and I must admit it was contagious.

"And just how can you be so sure?" I asked through a chuckle.  Her assurance was always miraculous to me.

She sighed in contentment as her head once again rested on my shoulder.  "Prayer, Landon.  The Lord has a plan for us.  You and I might not be able to see it at the moment… but one day, it will all become clear.  Think how far he has already brought us."

Gently kissing her forehead, I knew she was right.  My heart was lifted as I thought back to the past few months and all the wonderful things God had done for us in such a short time – my fateful punishment after the greatest act of stupidity of my life, number 42, opening night of the play, our first date, the night in the cemetery, the strength to overcome the worst of news, the comet Hiakitaki, and of course our wedding.  

_"Lord, I don't know what I have done to deserve this – in fact, I know I have done nothing to deserve all the blessings you have given me.  Yet I can't help but wonder where your plan will take me next.  My life is full of such uncertainty…  Please, help me to see the plan… help me to realize that all is in Your hands."  The prayer was so simple, yet so open and honest.  Sure, I had prayed almost nonstop when Jamie was first admitted into the hospital, but this was the first time that I had actually asked God for guidance on my own life, and it felt good._

We rode in silence, both of us reflecting.  I kept glancing down, letting my eyes partake of her soft features.  Her eyes gently fluttered as she looked ahead.  Her lips moved slightly and her forehead became furrowed as she pondered something.  It was absolutely adorable, sexy even.

Her eyes glanced my way. "Shouldn't you be watching the road?" she asked with a giggle.

"Well, I would, but I have yet to find a road as beautiful as you are.  So, what were you just thinking about?" I prodded.

"I'd tell you, but…"

"Then you'd have to kill me…?" I finished her mid-sentence.  "You've already used that line on me, remember?"

"What was I thinking? I had forgotten that I was speaking to the one and only #42!"  

Pulling up to my old house where the reception was being held, our family and friends had already arrived and were congregating in the backyard.  I knew we shouldn't keep them waiting.  "And don't you ever forget it."

"I love you so much, Mr. Carter."

"And just how much is that, Mrs. Carter?" I asked, smirking, as I held the car door open for her.

Brushing up beside me, she leaned in, whispering with such calm matter-of-factness, "You'll find out tonight," lightly kissing my temple.  Looking at me, she knew she had caught me off guard, yet she simply smiled at me before heading off to join our guests.


	2. Words of Blessing Along the Way

Chapter Two:

Words of Blessing Along the Way

            Our reception was a simple one.  It was simply a time to celebrate with our family and closest friends.  As we approached the long table that had been set up in my backyard, I realized how blessed the two of us were.  Sitting around the table were people who had stuck up for us through it all, as well as some my friends who had just seen the light.  Reverend Sullivan, my mother and father, Mrs. Garber, Eric, Dean, and Sally, all were here for us on our special day.

            We visited over cake and punch.  Then it was time for the toasts.  I reached for Jamie's hand as Jamie's father stood up.

            "Landon, I will never forget the look on your face that one afternoon.  Somehow you had found the courage to drop by the church on a week day, and suddenly, you looked so defeated.  I immediately regretted telling you so bluntly that I didn't want my daughter to date you."

"I thought you said that he was cool with it," Jamie whispered to me, a look of surprise on her face.  

I took her hand in mine.  "He was, in his own time." 

"When you looked up at me," Reverend Sullivan continued, "you told me that all you were asking for was a little faith.  It was then that I first saw in you what Jamie had seen in you all along – a compassionate man who wanted nothing more than to please my daughter.  I have been fortunate to watch your relationship grow, and I can honestly say that I have never seen my daughter happier, fuller of life, or more content.  It's never an easy thing for a man to give his daughter away, especially his only daughter, but I cannot think of a man more deserving.  I welcome you into the family, Landon."  Removing a handkerchief from his pocket, he wiped his moist eyes before returning to his seat.

"I have gotten to welcome not just one person to my family, but two."  My father stood up, taking a turn to speak.  "I have certainly made my mistakes in life, and have had my regrets.  I feel so fortunate, however, that I have gotten to share this momentous occasion with my son and new daughter-in-law.  Thank you for sharing your lives and your love with me.  I love you both."

I glanced down to my lap.  Her delicate hand was still in mine, our fingers intertwined.  My thumb was gently running up and down her fingers.  Lowering my head, I placed a kiss on her knuckle, directly above her wedding band.  Looking up to her face, she smiled while silently mouthing the words I never grew tired of hearing, "I love you."  I lost myself in her eyes and time completely came to a halt.

"Umm… Buddy, I hate to interrupt the little moment the two of you have going over there.  It's adorable, really.  However, I have a few things to say."  

A rush of embarrassment consumed me.  Eric was now standing, laughing as he gave Dean a high five.  Jamie and I returned our attention to the reception.

 "I must admit that I was shocked when I heard that you two were getting married.  However, it wasn't the first time the idea was brought up.  You remember?"  Eric's smile stretched across his face.

I thought, long and hard, trying to remember.  "Ahhh, that's right."  I laughed slightly at the memory and its definite irony.

"Care to share?"  Jamie asked, her curiosity rising.

"Well, I'd hate to leave the bride in the dark," Eric continued, anxious to share his story.  "It was our first day of high school, and I was going off about some girl I had met over the summer, and Landon decided to give me hard time about it.  It was about that time that you came walking down the hall, Jamie.  Someone bumped into you, and you dropped the stack of papers you were carrying.  Your very own Prince Charming, here, bent over and helped you gather the spread out sheets." 

 A smile graced Jamie's face as she recalled the now infamous incident.  

"As soon as you had rounded the corner, I was quick to retaliate, telling Landon that I knew that he was smitten with the reverend's daughter and that he might as well go ahead and marry you.  Do you remember what you told me, Landon?"

"I do, indeed."  I said, amazed that the moment had ever slipped from my memory.  "I believe it was, 'I just might have to do that'" At that moment, Jamie squeezed my hand, and I was so glad that I had done it after all.

"That would be correct.  At the time, I thought it was all a joke, but now, I'm not so sure.  I think … no … I know you two have always had something amazing together.  It just took time for you two to recognize it.  I'm really happy for you, man.  You finally found that special someone to grow old with."  The laughter subsided, and Eric immediately realized what he had said.  "I'm sorry… I wasn't thinking…"

"That was beautiful, Eric," Jamie said, reaching her free hand and resting it on Eric's.  "Thank you for sharing such a wonderful memory with me… with us."  She turned to me.  A single tear had escaped from her liquid eyes.  It began to slide its way down her cheek before my fingers caught it, banishing it from her beautiful face.  My lips tenderly caressed her forehead.  She sighed softly, "I'm sorry…"

"No, Jamie," I reassured her, cutting her off in the process.  "As long as I live, you will never have to apologize for being yourself, for that is everything that I am madly in love with."  Our lips lovingly joined in a simple kiss – and this time, no one was anxious to interrupt us.

When we parted, my mother wanted to say a few words.  "Jamie, you will never know how much I appreciate all that you have done for my son.  You have helped him to believe in himself and appreciate all of the gifts God has given him.  That morning when he returned from one of your dates, I saw true hope in his eyes.  Most importantly, Jamie, you've shown him how to live – to find the one thing that you can't live without, and cling to it, knowing that it is the source of true happiness.  I've seen the way Landon looks at you, Jamie, and he's clinging with all that he is.  Landon, I have never been prouder of you … of both of you."

"What's this now?" Reverend Sullivan questioned, putting all of the pieces together.  "You mean to tell me that Landon was with you that night?  Can I retract some of my previous comments?"  Everyone burst out into laughter, and I swear I even saw a smile peak through the Reverend's serious expression.

            "Sorry, Daddy," Jamie replied, not quite sure if he was joking or not.

            "It's a little late for that now, but the two of you had better get out of here before any more of your secrets are revealed."  Laughing, he gave both Jamie and me a hug, whispering in my ear, "Now, you take care of my little girl."

            Jamie and I hugged and thanked our other guests.  Their words of encouragement had meant the world to both of us. 

            We headed toward my house, each of us wanting to change into more comfortable clothes before we left the reception.  After a quick change in my old bedroom, I stood in the hallway, waiting for my new bride to finish in my mom's room.

            The door slowly opened, her eyes peeking through the crack.  I could see a fragment of the smirk that graced her face.  She finished opening the door, and I lost it.  She had brought the exact outfit she had worn that night in the cemetery.  

"Are you asking for trouble?"  I asked her through my laughter.

"That depends," she pondered.  Her smirk was now permanent, "what's my punishment going to be?"

I took her hand and together we left, leaving my childhood home and dodging grains of rice on our way to the car.  


	3. Cleansing Rains

Chapter Three:

Cleansing Rains

            It wasn't far into our drive that Jamie realized we weren't heading to the bed-and-breakfast just outside of town like we had planned.  "And just where exactly do you think you're taking me?" she questioned.

            "Oh wouldn't you love to know," I countered, as I turned the corner and slowly pulled into the short driveway.  

I loved surprising her.  Jamie never could contain her excitement.  "Sooo…?" The suspense was killing her.

"Get out."

As she stepped out of the car, I picked her up into my arms.  Her arms instinctively wrapped themselves around my neck.  She leaned in, whispering, "You're crazy, do you know that?"

"Only about you."  Stepping over the threshold, I couldn't keep it a secret any longer.  "Welcome home, Mrs. Carter."

The astonishment never left her face, as we toured the small three-bedroom house on the outskirts of town that I had purchased with the help of my parents.  It was a mere two blocks away from her father's house.  Her amazement only grew when she realized that all of her things were already here waiting for her.

We climbed the stairs hand-in-hand and walked into the master bedroom.  Jamie's eyes went immediately to the French doors and outer-balcony where our telescope stood in the corner.

I stood back and watched her as she gingerly opened the door and stepped out onto the balcony.  Approaching the telescope, she instinctively looked into the eye-piece and spotted that special star – her star.  "You already found it."  As she turned towards me, the look on her face melted all of my defenses.  There was something different about her, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it – a maturity, an openness that I wasn't accustomed to seeing in her.  She was absolutely gorgeous.

"_Lord, I know that nothing can happen between the two of us… but seriously, why do you have to make it so hard for me?"  I approached her, "Did you expect anything less?"_

Jamie simply shook her head, her hands running up my chest before resting around my neck.  

I followed suit, placing my arms around her waist.  "How are you feeling?  Are you feeling up to doing anything?"

"Landon, I haven't felt this good in months, so please don't worry about me.  Promise me something."

"Anything," I couldn't help but feel concerned.  It had been such a long day already.

"Promise me that tonight we can forget about my leukemia, that we can return to a time when the only thing we had to worry about was getting around my father's disapproval – you have to admit, we were pretty good at that."  Her eyes were pleading with me.

"I promise."  It wasn't going to be easy, but how could I say 'no'?  "Hey, you've give me an idea.  Wait here."  

I left Jamie on the balcony, soon returning with sleeping bags and blankets in hand.  I took my time spreading them out, one on top of the other, trying to create something even remotely comfortable.  Her back was turned towards me, and I could tell she was deep in thought.

"Since you're already dressed for the part, I was thinking we could return to our night in the cemetery," I whispered, wrapping her in my arms from behind.

A smile spread across her face as she turned around, her face only inches from mine. "I love you."  Her words were scarcely spoken before her lips joined mine.  

What began as one of our innocent brushes, slowly developed into more, much more.  I stepped back.  "I'm sorry Jamie. I'm stopping."

"Why?"

"Well… we've never allowed ourselves to go this far."  I was stalling, and I knew it.  That wasn't the real reason I had pulled back, but did she know that?  I had just lied to my wife, and it killed me inside.

"We weren't married before, Landon," Jamie reassured me with a soft smile before leaning in for another kiss.

Our kiss picked up right where it had left off; her hand caressed my face while mine traveled down her back, pulling her to me.  It was when she began to run her fingers through my hair that it hit me – _"Landon, you're losing control here.  Don't let things go too far."  Once again, I hesitated, stopping mid-kiss._

"Landon, what is wrong?"  Jamie was obviously concerned, and I think even a little frustrated with me.  I couldn't blame her, really.  Here was her new husband stopping her displays of affection.

"I know I promised you that tonight we could forget about everything, but it's just so hard for me.  It wasn't six weeks ago that you were in the hospital.  We didn't even know if you were going to make it through the night."  By now, tears were running down my face.  I was unloading all of the emotions that had been building since her hospital stay.  "That night I studied your every feature, monitored your every breath – afraid it might be your last.  I love you so much, but I can't allow myself to do anything that might shorten your life by even a single breath."

"Landon, what would you do if you found out that you only had a few months left to live?  What would you do with your time?"  Jamie was serious; it was obvious from the look on her tear-streaked face.

There was silence for some time, Jamie giving me plenty of time to think over her questions.  It was honestly something I had never given much thought about.  "Well, I would want to make sure that everyone around me knew just how much I loved them."

"Would that include me?"

I couldn't believe I had heard those words come from her mouth, "Especially you!"  

Apparently my answers had pleased her, for the corners of her mouth slightly lifted.  "Landon, if there's one thing that God has shown me since I was diagnosed, it's that time is precious."  Her fingers gently traced my face. "I have been so blessed to have found you at this point in my life and to feel so incredibly healthy and alive.  Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one – not to me, and not to you.  All we have is the present.  I want to take advantage of this opportunity to show you just how deeply I love you – only God knows how many opportunities I will have to do so.  Please, can we just make the most of tonight?"

I didn't answer her.  There was no need to.  Instead, I picked her up, spun her around, and began to show her just how much I loved her – my lips caressing her temple, her eyelids, and the tip of her nose before finally planting themselves on her soft lips.  

Just as the world appeared to be perfect, it began.  It started out as a gentle sprinkle, but soon picked up.  Big, warm drops plummeted from the skies.  _"I don't believe this.  Lord, couldn't you have timed this a little better?"  I pulled back just enough to breathlessly state the obvious, "Jamie, we're getting soaked.  Maybe we should head inside."_

"Can't you feel it?"

"Feel what – the water that is progressively soaking though our clothing?"  I looked at her, not quite sure what to make of her question.

"No," she giggled.  "There's something about a summer rain.  It's like… it holds God's saving grace… bringing forgiveness, redemption, and cleansing."  

I threw my head back, looking up to the sky, contemplating her words.  "Like somehow your old self is washed away, and you're given the opportunity to start afresh."  It now made perfect sense to me.

"Exactly," she replied.  Standing there on the balcony with light escaping from our bedroom, Jamie's wet skin seemed to glow, creating almost a magical aura about her.

"Even so, we really do need to get out of these wet clothes."  I was being too rational, and I realized it.

"Hmmm… maybe you're right."  With a touch of nervousness in her face, she reached up and began to unbutton my shirt.  When the last button was unfastened, she helped me out of the drenched shirt, carefully laying it on the rail of the balcony.  

Then, looking up at me with her innocent, wide-eyed expression, I knew I had to be the luckiest man alive – no words could possibly express all the love I felt for her at that moment.  I was completely overwhelmed.  "I'm beginning to think that I'm the one who should have been concerned about being seduced. … Here, let me help you."  My fingers were shaking.  A light blush began to paint her cheeks as I took my turn, placing her blouse alongside of mine.

Water flowed beneath my lips as I kissed her along her collarbone.  All traces of our tears were long ago washed away by the large rain drops.  We spent that night out under the warm, cleansing rains, whispering words of adoration to each other as we finally permitted ourselves to show the other just how much love we were blessed with.  On the outstretched blankets our lives started afresh – now as husband and wife. 


	4. Surrendered Dreams

Chapter Four:

Surrendered Dreams

            _Images flashed through my mind, stirring up a stream of emotions as they passed:  "Maybe you should try backing into it from somewhere else." … "You're act only works on an audience."  ... "Ok, I'll pray for you." … "Like we could be secret friends?" … "I know now you're my only hope." … "People can see." … "You don't know how to be someone's friend." … "I'm not allowed to date." … "Everyone can dance." … "You choose." … "I feel wonder, beauty, joy, love." … "I told you not to fall in love with me." ... "Are you trying to seduce me?" … "I love you." ... "To marry in the church where my mother grew up, the church where my parents were married." … "I'm sick."… "I'm scared of not being with you." … "Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself."… "You're my angel." … "I, Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan, do solemnly swear to take Landon Rollins Carter as my lawfully wedded husband, to love him and cherish him all the days of my life." _

_I rode the roller coaster, reliving the best and worst moments of my life, clearly seeing the puzzle pieces being strategically placed – all bringing me to my present with Jamie._

_Suddenly I found myself on our front porch, sitting in the glider with an open Bible in my lap.  Browsing Romans, Chapter 8, one passage caught my eye:_

_"Hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees?  __But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience."  Romans 8:24-25._

_            A young boy rode his bike down the street.  Raising his hand from the handlebars, he waved, "Good evening, Reverend Carter.  Tell Jamie hi for me."_

            My eyes strained to open.  _"It was all a dream… Wow."  The rain had stopped, and the sun was just starting to peak its face over the horizon.  Inhaling the fresh air, I glanced down to find Jamie's head resting on my chest, her arm stretched out across my abdomen – her bare skin against mine.  __"Now this – this is perfection."  My mind reflected on our tender expressions of love that had filled the previous evening as I carefully ran my fingers through her still damp hair._

            "Mmmm…"  Jamie's eyes fluttered open.

            "Morning."

            "Good morning."  She turned her head to face me.  "It stopped raining."

            "It's the beginning of a new day."  My fingers lightly traced her features, and a smile graced her face.  There was an unspoken understanding that with Jamie's health as it was now, the closeness we had just shared was a one time occurrence, but that only made it all the more special.  "Have you ever read Romans 8:24-25?"

            "Have I?  Oh my, many a time!  Why do you ask?"  She seemed almost surprised at it being mentioned, although I failed to see why.

            "It was in my dream last night, and it's just really stuck with me."  The whole dream had, actually – I mean, Reverend Carter?

            "Wait here.  I've got something for you."  Jamie stood, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears; she left the balcony and escaped inside the house.

            _"Reverend Carter?  Reverend Carter?  Lord, where did that come from? …"_

            "I meant to give you this last night, but it slipped my mind," she explained as she knelt down on the blankets and handed me a small, pale yellow book tied with a plaid ribbon.  She was positively glowing, and I could tell she was really excited to be giving it to me.

            Taking it into my hands, I was nervous.  It was obviously something of personal value to her.  I carefully opened the cover, letting my eyes fall upon the gentle sweeping cursive on its pages.  I shot Jamie a glance.  "Romans 8:24-25?  Where did you …?  What did you …?"  I was astonished.

            "The Lord shared that verse with me in a dream right after I was diagnosed.  That's a special passage, isn't it?"  She rested her hand on my knee as I turned the page – it was her to-do list.  "It was that verse that inspired me to start my list in the first place."

            It was all there:

1. Marry in the church my parents were married  

2. Become a mother

3. Lead a child to the Lord 

…

7. Make a medical discovery

8. Own my own home

…

21. Spend a year in the peace core

…

32. Be in two places at once

…

42. Befriend someone I don't like

43. Get a tattoo

…

            I could not believe what I was looking at – here in my hands was everything that Jamie had ever hoped for, ever dreamed of.  It went on for pages.  Little checkmarks occasionally left in the margins.  I was touched to see little stars next to each and every dream I had helped her fulfill.  "Jamie, I … I can't take this."

            "Landon, I want you to have it."  Her hands went to my face caressing it as she went on.  "When I married you yesterday, my dreams were pushed aside – sacrificed for something much more important."  She could see the confusion on my face.  "My dreams were surrendered to our dreams, Landon."

            "You're too good to me."  

            She only shook her head, leaning in to place a dainty kiss upon my lips.  Whenever she kissed me and our breaths mingled, she made it clear to me through her tenderness and sheer innocence that her love for me was pure.  Each kiss left me winded – wanting more of her touch, her sweet scent, and her kind words.  _"What am I ever going to do without her?"_

            I set the book to the side, quickly returning my attentions to my wife.  "Jamie, is that a freckle there behind your knee?"  I grabbed her leg, lifting it up to inspect it.

            Jamie fell back on her back.  "Landon!  What are you doing?"  Laughter was erupting from her as she tried to grab me.  "Landon!"

            "Ticklish, are we?"  My fingers were tip-toeing their way up the outside of her leg, stepping from freckle to freckle.  When I reached her stomach, she captured me, grabbing my arm and pulling me down to her.   

            I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me while I listened to her gentle breaths.  We laid there, watching the sunrise in silence – just like we had in the cemetery.  Neither of us wanted to move.  We knew that when we left the balcony, things would be different; we would have to face reality and all that it would entail.  _"If only we could just remain here in this moment forever…Lord, I don't know what awaits us – I'm not even sure if I want to know.  All I do know is that I have never known contentment until Jamie walked into my life.  But, I trust you now… I really do.  Please teach me to have hope in the things that I cannot see and to make the most of every second I have with Jamie at my side."_


	5. Fresh Concerns

Chapter Five:

Fresh Concerns

            It amazed me how quickly our lives settled into a comfortable routine.  We were given a week to ourselves – no phone calls and no visitors – and we made the most of it.  Every morning I was still in disbelief that Jamie was there in my arms.  There was something so soothing and reassuring about it.  We would walk hand-in-hand to the pier, letting the brisk wind brush up against us.  And each day concluded in the same way – up on the balcony.  Jamie would read a book off Mr. Rothman's list, laughing whenever she caught me admiring her as she read.  We watched the sunset together, always topping off another perfect day.  

            At the close of our week, it was clear that things were changing, and neither of us could deny it, no matter how much we wanted to.  Jamie was growing noticeably more tired.

            That Sunday we went to church and as we walked through the doors hand-in-hand for the first time since our wedding, I had never felt more proud.  I took my seat in one of the front pews and Jamie took hers in the choir, which soon began to sing.  "… Early in the morning, I will celebrate the light.  When I stumble in the darkness, I will call your name out loud.  God of wonders beyond our galaxy – you are holy, holy.  The universe declares your majesty – you are holy, holy.  Lord of heaven and earth…."  [Third Day and Caedman's Call, "God of Wonders"]

            _"Lord, you have been there whenever I have stumbled in the past.  Why would you not be there for me in the future?"  When I opened my eyes, I glanced up to find Reverend Sullivan glancing my way and we exchanged silent greetings.  __"How did I ever get so lucky?  All of this was right before me for all these years, but somehow I was blind to it all."_

            When the service came to a close, Jamie and I headed over to greet my mother who had sat a few rows behind me.  She was waving wildly, just in case we had failed to see her.

"Be prepared for mother-in-law overload," I teased.  We had taken only a few steps when Jamie's hand reached for my shoulder and she came to a stop.  "Come on, it's not going to be that bad… I'm sure she'll only talk for a good hour and by that time your dad should be pushing her out of the church so he can lock up."  She didn't say a word.  I shot her a quick glance.  Her eyes were closed and she was bracing herself against me.  "Jamie, are you okay?"  I was startled.

            "Yeah, I'm fine...  I just got a little dizzy for a second."

            It soon passed, and we slowly continued over to my mom.  "I missed you guys!" she exclaimed when we reached her.  "Do you know how many times I wanted to pick up the phone and give you a call? …"

            "Landon," Reverend Sullivan was motioning me toward the front.  A look of concern covered his face.

            "I'll be right back, Jamie," I said, kissing her on the forehead.  She nodded.

            "Good morning, Reverend."

            "Landon, has Jamie been taking her medications?  How has she been doing?"  He had pulled me aside and was scarcely whispering.

            "She's been taking her medications regularly, but she's been a little tired these past few days."  I could see Jamie peering over her shoulder to look our direction.

            "Please just keep an eye on her.  I trust you to take care of my little girl."

            "Reverend, I don't want anything to happen to her – she's everything to me.  I'll take good care of her."  I was trying with everything in me not to reveal how uneasy I was at that moment.

            On the ride home, I was in a state of shock.  _"Lord, Jamie can't be getting sicker already, can she?  I know that you didn't bring us this far to take her away from me this soon."_

            As we were cooking dinner a few nights later, I was still pondering about whether I should confide in Jamie about my worries.  It was obvious she wasn't feeling any better, and I was pretty sure she was still getting dizzy, although she did a great job trying to cover it up.  I realized that she wished to focus on the positive and I certainly didn't want to be the one to bring up such a dim topic.   Luckily I didn't have to.

            "Landon, what was my father talking to you about on Sunday?"  She was sitting up on the counter next to the stove as I stirred some spaghetti sauce.

            "He's concerned about your health, Jamie.  He saw you grab on to me in the isle, and it scared him.  To be honest, it scared me, too.  I think we need to accept the fact you haven't been feeling as well these past few days."  

            Jamie lowered her head, looking at her hands at the mere mention of it.  "Sure, I've been a little tired recently.  I can't deny that."  She hopped off the counter and walked over to the cupboard, retrieving some noodles.  "But the dizziness on Sunday – I had just stood up too quickly, that's all.  It's nothing to be con…"  She stopped mid-sentence, reaching for the countertop.

            Placing my hand on her lower back, I let out a sigh.  "You got dizzy again, didn't you?"  She turned around, her apologetic eyes saying enough.


	6. Unanswered Questions

Chapter Six:

Unanswered Questions

            Jamie and I drove to her doctor's in silence, neither really knowing what to say.  _"How to you even begin to comfort the person you love the most, when you don't even know how to come to terms with what is going on?"  _

The radio was playing, but I was too deep in thought to really notice it.  That is, of course, until something caught my attention_.  "…__An eloquent example of this is the first single, "Fly," off of Jars of Clay's new album, written about a friend whose wife succumbed to cancer not long after the couple wed." _

Jamie's hand reached up to turn the station, but something in me stopped her.  "Jamie, it's okay.  I need to hear this."

"Yeah," her answer was a mere whisper as her hand reached for mine.

_"Addressing the loss of a loved one through the eyes of faith means those left behind must cling to the hope of an afterlife, but it's a bittersweet consolation expertly conveyed here.  Take a listen:_

_Be still; let your hand melt into mine.  
The part of me that breathes when you breathe is losing time.  
I can't find the words to say I'll never say goodbye.  
I'll fly with you through the night _

_so you know I'm not letting go.  
I'm not letting go.  
My tears like rain fill up the sky.  
Oh my love, I'm not letting go, I won't let you go.  
I saw the host of silent angels waiting on their own.  
Knowing all the promises of faith come alive _

_when you see home.  
Hold still and let your hand melt into mine.  
I'll fly with you through the night _

_so you know I'm not letting go.  
I'm not letting go.  
Tears like rain fill up the sky.  
Oh my love, I'm not letting go, I won't let you go.  
I won't let you go._

_Shed your heart and your breath and your pain and fly.  
Now you're alive."_

            Tears were running down my face as God showed me exactly what my heart had been so scared of – letting go.  I pulled into the parking lot and took the first open spot before I poured my soul.  "Jamie!  Jamie!  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I've been such a fool."  Her hands went to my face, carefully wiping away my tears, allowing her own to continue their descent down her face.  "The past few days, I've felt numb – not knowing what to say to you.  The only thing I knew was that I wasn't ready to let go of you yet.  But now … now I realize that I don't ever have to let you go – in fact, I _never will."_

            Jamie wrapped her arms around me, "Landon, I've always wanted to fly – especially with you."

            I pulled back slightly to look at her tearful face where a smile was slowly beginning to appear.  "Just not yet, okay?"

            "No, not yet."  She laughed, "We haven't even seen the doctor yet, remember?  We're still in the parking lot!"

            A few minutes later we were sitting in an examination room and they were running blood tests.  "Well, Jamie, everything appears to be fine, although you are running a bit of a fever… We'll see what we get back from the lab, here, shortly."  Dr. Marshall took a seat next to the two of us.  "I heard the two of you recently got married.  Congratulations.  How long ago was this?"

            "It will be two weeks on Saturday," Jamie answered proudly, looking at me with a smile.

            The doctor continued, "I must admit, I find it very admirable."

            "Well, we're in this one together."  I responded.

            It was just about that time that the door opened and the nurse handed Dr. Marshall a stack of papers.  "Thank you.  Now then, let's see what we have here."  He flipped through the stack, stopping at each one to browse its contents.  "I don't see anything that is any different from our last visit three weeks ago, Jamie."

            Jamie and I let out a sigh of relief and I squeezed her hand.  He flipped to the next page.  "Wait a second… what do we have here? …  Landon … could you please give me a moment alone with Jamie?"

            I stood to leave, everything in me telling me to stay.  _"Didn't you just say the two of you were in this together?  She needs you – now more than ever."_

            My hesitance must have been noted, because Jamie placed her hand on my arm.  "It's alright, Landon, really."

            I headed towards the waiting room, not at all happy with the situation.  _"Hmm… the receptionist is busy on the phone, so if you can just sneak over there and get her coffee mug, then you could use it to listen through the door and actually hear what's going on with your wife … yeah, there you go."  I was rather impressed with my spy abilities as I crept up to the desk and quietly lifted the mug.  __"You've done it!  You're home free.  Now just act cool."_

            "I'm sorry; can I help with you with anything Sir?"  The receptionist had lowered the phone from her ear and was now staring directly at me.

            "Um… no, I was just getting a magazine."  Trying to recover, I grabbed the first magazine within reach, sat down the coffee mug, and took a seat in the waiting room.  _"Real smooth, real smooth.  Wait a second… why is everyone looking at me?"  I opened my magazine to find Big Bird staring back at me.  Sliding down in my seat, I hid behind the magazine, fully realizing that I had just made a scene to grab a copy of __Sesame Street Magazine._

            Hearing a door open down the hallway, I peered over my magazine to catch Jamie exiting the room, wiping her eyes.  

            "Wow, if I had known that they had a subscription to _Sesame Street Magazine, I would have swapped you places," she joked as she approached the waiting room._

            "Hey, I'll have you know there was a touch-and-go moment there where it looked like the Cookie Monster was going through withdrawals after Big Bird ate the last of his cookies.  We're not talking kid-stuff here."  I have to admit, by this point even I was laughing.  I sounded ridiculous, and frankly, I didn't even care.

            "Of course we're not."  Jamie patted me on the shoulder, trying her best to keep a straight face as we headed towards the door.  "Do you suppose we could stop by the store on the way home?  Since your mother is having the two of us and both of our fathers over on Sunday for Father's Day, we should stop and pick-up a few cards."

            "Sure thing."  Noticing that Jamie wasn't volunteering any information about her talk with the doctor, I decided to prod.  "So what did Dr. Marshall have to say?  How are you feeling?"

            She just smiled, replying, "I feel fine."  She let herself in the car, and buckled up.

            "Well, that clears up a lot of unanswered questions," I muttered as I buckled my seatbelt and then started the car.  

            Jamie leaned over, lightly kissing me on the lips.  "Yes, I thought so, too."


	7. I’m not Letting Go

Chapter Seven:

I'm not Letting Go

            _"Lord, what is it?  What is Jamie keeping from me?  I know I saw her wipe her eyes as she left the examining room. … Okay, Landon…  You've been over this a thousand times, ran through her every word searching for subtext, and have come up with nothing.  Just give her some time."  _

            I looked up at Jamie.  She was standing in our bathroom, slowly running a brush through her long hair, starring off into space.  Any frustrations I might have been feeling were instantly washed away.  Step by step, I approached her; she didn't notice.  

Picking her up around the waist, I was delighted to hear her squeal in surprise.  "Landon!  Put me down!"  She finished with a whisper, "Oh, you're asking for it!"  Her legs were flailing around, as she held on to my shoulders tightly.

Laying her on our bed, I joined her.  She was positively glowing.  "So Jamie, how do you do it?"

"Do what?"  A slight smirk crept on her face, her fingers passing through my hair.

I smiled.  "How do you manage to drive me crazy with your secrets – I mean, first there was your number one and now, the mysterious doctor's visit today.  Seriously, how many secrets do you have – any hidden husbands in foreign countries I should know about?"

"Don't worry – all three of my other husbands know about us, and they promise me that they won't do you any bodily harm.  However, I believe husband #2 has a restraining order out against husband #1, for some strange reason…  It's nothing for you to concern yourself about, though."  She pulled me down into her waiting kiss, her hand running down my back.

"We're in this together, aren't we?"  We were just inches apart, my fingers drawing figure-eights on her stomach.

She glanced down at my hand and sighed.  "Yes, we definitely are."  Pecking me on the nose, she sat up and reached for the nightstand.  She silently handed me an envelope from the drawer.

I sat up, slowly removing the card from the envelope.  I smiled to see the starry sky on the front.  As my eyes focused on Jamie's writing inside, a lump formed in my throat.

_"Landon,_

_Every day I am amazed to find_

_myself more in love with you_

_than the day before._

_I now know that that is just_

_one of the blessings God has_

_bestowed upon us._

_Tonight, may your heart be forever captured_

_by our new little miracle of love._

_With all of my love and adoration,_

_Jamie"_

It was like the wind had been knocked right out of me.  I read and re-read the card, convincing myself of its contents.

            Shifting my attentions, I glanced up to find Jamie watching my every move, a quiet countenance about her.  With a slight smile, she was the first to speak and it came out almost as a sigh, "I realize it's a few days early, but … Happy Father's Day, Landon."

            "Jamie…"  

Before I could continue, tears were welling up in her eyes.  It was enough to break my heart.  Any thoughts or concerns I had were pushed aside, as I focused on my wife.  "Jamie, come here."  I lay down, wrapping my arms around her.  "Please don't cry."  I wiped her face free of tears.

Her soft voice was fluctuating, coming out in small heaves as she forced herself to speak.  "Dr. Marshall … wanted to speak to me alone today … because he thought I should … have an abortion and not tell you. … He doesn't think … I'll be able to hold on long enough … to have the baby."

_"Some doctor!  Oh, do I have a few words for him!"  I gently rocked her, trying to get her to calm down.  "What did you tell him?"_

"I told him that … having an abortion would be … killing a piece of you … a piece of me … proof of just how much … we love each other. … He's sending me to … an obstetrician tomorrow."

I stroked her back, speaking in slow, hushed tones, "Jamie, 'Hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience.'"  I could feel her breathing slow and become more regular, her muscles relaxing against mine.  "#2, Jamie, #2," I said with a smile.

A slight grin broke through her tears, "Yeah, #2."  Her head nuzzled in against my neck, and I tightened my grasp.  A tear dripped from her face, running warm on my skin.

I then did something I never thought I would be able to do – sing.  Jamie had such a beautiful voice; I had always been embarrassed to sing in front of her.  Placing a light kiss on her forehead, I forgot any lingering embarrassment.

"'I'll fly with you through the night

   so you know I'm not letting go.  
                       I'm not letting go.'"

            I could feel Jamie's face lighten against me.  "You've never sang for me before. … Thank you, Landon."

            "For what?"

            "Thank you for the security you've shown me.  When I'm in your arms, I know that I'm safe, that nothing in this world can take me away from you."  Her fingers ran up and down my chest.

            I didn't know how to respond – she was _my rock, __my strength.    I allowed my fingers to browse her features, swiping down the bridge of her nose and brushing up against her lips before reaching her dainty chin.  "Well, I'm not letting go."_

            Hours must have passed, with me laying there listening to her gentle breaths, absorbing the beauty in each one.  _"Lord, thank you for the strength you gave me tonight.  Sometimes it seems so overwhelming – our path is changing around every turn.  Please stay with us; guide us."  With that, I slowly drifted off to sleep._


	8. Unburdening My Heart

Chapter Eight:

Unburdening My Heart

            I awoke at dawn, having far too much running through my mind to go back to sleep.  Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of my card.  It lay open, a mere ten inches away from me.  Carefully, I lifted my arm from Jamie's back, trying my best not to wake her, and picked it up.  I reread its words intently, amazed at how drastically a single phrase could change everything I felt about the world around me:  _"… our new little miracle of love…"  Now, I could finally allow myself to take an inventory about how I felt about the news, and it was clear that I was scared.  __"Lord, what have I done?  I'm only eighteen years old, but… you already know that.  Am I ready for this?  I feel so confused – I realize that this is a true blessing but I can't imagine doing this without Jamie."  _

Jamie shifted slightly and made a short, soft humming sound, like she did every morning.  I knew she would be waking shortly.__

_"Oh how I have come to look forward to that daybreak greeting… God, I need your peace now more than ever…"_

"Hey," she sighed.

I lay the card back down beside me.  "Hey."

"How many times have you read that?"  There was a calmness about her this morning that surprised me, and she was smiling.

"So many that I've lost count…"  I returned my arm to her back, embracing her.

"I owe you an apology about last night."  Her eyes were glancing up to mine.  "I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, and I completely forgot to even ask how you were feeling about all of this…"

"No, no, no."  I placed my fingers to her lips, bringing her words to a halt.  "You had been through so much yesterday.  You needed someone to confide in, and I felt honored that you chose me."

Jamie propped herself up on her elbow and glanced down upon me.  "You went through a lot yesterday, too, you know, and you haven't had a chance to unburden your heart to anyone yet.  What's going on in there?"  She was tapping my chest directly above my heart.

I sighed.  "Jamie, I have never felt so conflicted – it's like I'm being pulled in three entirely different directions.  On one hand, I keep having these overwhelming feelings of guilt, asking myself how I could have allowed this to happen to you.  I had promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get that close to you, that I would control myself.  I feel like I failed you."  It was hard to keep eye contact with her; I was ashamed.

"Look at me, Landon.  You will never fail me.  It's not possible."  Her voice was composed and sincere, pulling my eyes back to hers.  "Do you remember our drive from the church to the wedding reception – when you asked me what I was thinking?"

I nodded, intrigued.

"I was praying.  I prayed that whatever did or didn't happen between us that night would be in accordance to God's plan for our lives."  She leaned in, her voice lowering to a mere whisper, "I have no regrets about our wedding night.  Do you?"

            Putting my hands up in self-defense, I replied, "No, no complaints here – none at all."  

We kissed, momentarily losing ourselves in the moment until Jamie pulled back.  "Wait a second!  When you were feeling so guilty just a few minutes ago, what were you thinking – that God was on vacation that night?"

"Apparently I wasn't thinking at all."  I laughed, as she joined in.

"So that's one direction, what is the second?"  I detected a bit of satisfaction in her voice, she knew she had blown my reasoning out of the water.

            "Well, on the other hand, I'm scared.  There are so many unknowns, so many risks, and so many challenges that now lay ahead of us…"  Tears had escaped from my eyes against my will.

            Sweeping them from my face, Jamie interrupted me.  "'Hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience' Romans …"  

            "8:24-25," I finished.  

She nodded.  "With hope, anything is possible."

"What will I ever do without you to remind me?"  The thought was almost unbearable.

Jamie lay back down along side of me, resting her arm on my chest.  Her eyes focused in on mine, and she sang. 

"'I'll fly with you through the night

            so you know I'm not letting go.  
                      I'm not letting go.'"

The horrible thought left from my mind.  I took a deep breath, "Thank you."

A few minutes passed, each of us just enjoying the comfort we felt in being close to each other.  The silence held a serenity that both of us needed.

"Landon, you said you were being pulled in three directions.  What's the third?"

"The other, other hand, you mean?" I chuckled.  "That's the part of me that is in absolute awe of you."  Jamie's eyes grew large in surprise while I continued.  "There's a part of the two of us living and growing inside of you, and I can't wait to meet it."  My hand caressed her stomach.  "I know of _nothing more miraculous.  I feel so fortunate to be able to share this moment with you."_

            She sighed in contentment, placing her hand atop of mine, telling me all I needed to know.


	9. One Single Fear

Chapter Nine:

One Single Fear

            "Jamie, I'm just warning you, if the obstetrician asks me to leave, it's not going to be pretty," I informed her rather matter-of-factly.  

We were sitting in the waiting room, awaiting her appointment.  It was late in the afternoon and the receptionists and nurses were already leaving.  Dr. Nelson had been kind enough to schedule a last-minute appointment for the end of his day.

            "Are you sure you want to even come back?  I see they have a subscription to _Sesame Street Magazine.  I'd hate to keep you from checking up on Cookie Monster," she carelessly giggled._

            "You think that's funny, do you?" I laughed.  I put my arm around her and drew her to me, kissing the top of her head as she nodded.

            "I know I sure do."  We looked up to see a tall, mustached man standing in the hallway, watching us with a smile.  "Jamie, Landon, I'm Dr. Nelson.  It's nice to meet you."  We joined him in his office before he continued.  "Dr. Marshall contacted me yesterday and let me know a little bit about your situation, but he has a way of dehumanizing things."

            _"Dehumanizing – you're not kidding!  What an understatement!" I mentally mumbled._

            "Test results do give us a lot of information about disease progression and how the body is reacting to it, but they fail to reveal anything about the strength of the human spirit and the love that two people can share.  Those two variables, in my opinion, are more important than any number of tests we can run.  In that regard, you two are very well-off," Dr. Nelson said with quiet laughter.

            I took Jamie's hand in mine and smiled at her, realizing we were doing something right after all.

            "However, you need to be aware that only 0.1 – 0.07% of new pregnancies occur in cancer patients; the number with an advanced stage of leukemia such as yourself is almost non-existent."  He shifted in his seat as he reached for a stack of paper.

            "What are the risks involved?"  I had to know exactly what we were facing.

            Quickly bringing me back to reality, Dr. Nelson continued.  "Jamie, I've done some research and your pregnancy does pose some risks to both you and the baby.  During this first trimester, there is a greater chance of miscarriage.  The body has great intuition; it will know if you are going to be able to handle the demands that are going to be placed on you.  But if you can make it to term, I must be honest … it's hard to say if you will be able to make it through childbirth."

            _"Miscarriage … Lord, I am just fully realizing how excited I am.  Now I have to learn that it might be taken away from us?  I don't know how I would be able to handle that – let alone how Jamie would.  Moreover, what would I do with a new baby if I didn't have Jamie to share it with? ...  Where's the silver lining?"  _

Everything around me became a blur, until Jamie brought me back in focus.  "Dr. Marshall made it very clear to me that I might only have two or three months left.  Do you think making it to term is a possibility?"  She said it without any signs of alarm, fully shocking me.

"Answer this one question:  do you want this baby?"  He leaned back in his chair, awaiting her answer.

Jamie smiled.  Squeezing my hand, she didn't take her eyes from mine as she answered, "I want nothing more than to have this baby with the man I love.  It's more than I ever dreamed of."

            I was left speechless as I stared back into her dark brown eyes with all the love I had.  

            "It looks like you have something to fight for then, doesn't it?" the doctor replied.  A grin had returned to his face.  "I'm going to want to run blood work every couple of weeks to monitor your leukemia on top of your normal visits, if that's alright with you.  I want to make sure to keep a pulse on all aspects of your health during the pregnancy."

            "Yeah, that's fine. … I don't want to know any of the blood test results though."  Jamie's gaze was still upon me.

            "Why's that?"  I had finally found my voice.

            She winked at me, "I'm doing this with my faith and a lot of hope."  

            "Hope, hugh?"  I directed my attention to Dr. Nelson, "Same here."

            He nodded, "Very well, then.  I can't say that I can understand your decision, but I definitely respect it."

            When we reached the car, I asked Jamie the question that had long-filled my mind.  "Jamie, did any of that scare you?"

            She sighed in thought, turning towards me.  "No, I'm not afraid.  There are uncertainties, obviously, but if we truly believe that God has His hands in our lives, then what good would fear do?  I know that I must trust that He knows how to take care of this better than I do."  Her hand traveled to my face as she ran her fingers along my cheeks.  "It wasn't long ago that my fear almost got in the way of the best thing that ever happened to me."

            "What do you mean?"

            "I was so afraid of letting anyone get close to me for fear that I would only cause them pain when I got sicker.  If it wasn't for your persistence, my trepidations would have kept you out of my life.  Now, when I think about all the happiness that I would have missed out on, it's obvious to me that fear doesn't facilitate God's plan, but rather impedes it."  Her hands now rested on my shoulders.

            "Jamie, I never would have given up on you."  I leaned in, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close.  Leaning in towards her ear, I whispered, "You were so worth the fight."

            We met midway, our lips joining and welcoming each other.  We let all remaining reservations flow between us as we countered them with love, comforted in knowing that that was one thing we would always have enough of.

            "There is one thing I am scared of, though, Landon."  Her wide eyes were glancing at me with doubt.

            "And what's that?"  I ran my fingers through her hair in reassurance.

            "I am scared of telling our parents."

            "I hadn't even thought of that yet," I groaned, resting my forehead on hers.  "You don't think we can just play it cool and wait to tell them until after the baby's born?  They can't hit us when there's a newborn baby between them and us."

            She laughed, "It's going to be kind of hard to hide it in a few months once I start to show."

            "A few months, hugh?  So what's the rush in telling?"  I could just picture Jamie's father lunging at me, knowing all too well what Jamie and I had done.  The image sent shivers down my back.  _"He sent me home when he caught me kissing her, for heaven's sake – what's he going to do when he finds out that I … He's going to kill me!"_


	10. Time of Death, 2:15

Chapter Ten:

Time of Death, 2:15

"Hey kids!  I'm here in the kitchen."  I heard my mom great us from around the corner as we opened the front door.

_"Here goes nothing," I thought, as we joined her._

Grabbing me in a hug, she continued.  "You're father, I'm telling you!  He arrives here, and what's the first thing that he does?  Questions my barbequing abilities and heads outside to go check everything out.  Landon, would you mind making sure he has things in-control?"

"Sure thing."  

As I headed towards the patio, I saw her hug Jamie.  "Jamie, don't you have such a rosy glow about you today. …"

I strained my ears to hear more of their conversation but my attention was quickly diverted by the smoke screen quickly forming right outside the sliding doors.  "Dad, what are you doing?" I managed to choke out.

"I think the flame might have gotten a bit too hot."  He was fervently swatting at the smoke.

"Ahh, I see."  I put my arm on his shoulder.  "Happy Father's Day, Dad."

"Landon, you don't know how many years I have waited to hear you say that.  Thank you."  He smiled.

The smoke slowly cleared, revealing the dismal scene.  It was no longer possible to determine what was originally charcoal and what had started out as our dinner.  Turning to him, I laughed, "Time of death, 2:15."

"What's going on out there?  Do I see smoke?" I could hear my mom inquiring from indoors.

I stepped over to the door, peaking my head inside.  I could see that Reverend Sullivan had arrived, and Jamie had given him his card.  "Hello, Reverend.  It's nice to see you.  Well, Mom… Let me put it to you this way:  I just declared time of death – Dad is definitely no Doctor Barbeque."

Even with the meat mishap, there was plenty of food, and we all really enjoyed getting the opportunity to spend time together.

Noticing that Jamie had hardly ate a thing, I leaned over and whispered, "Are you doing ok?"

She smiled and nodded.  "I'm just a little queasy, that's all," she mouthed in reply.  "Mrs. Carter, can I help you clear the table."

"That would be lovely, thank you."  My mom was already starting to load the dishwasher.  "I was thinking that when we're done here, you, Landon, and I could run to the grocery store for some ice cream and let the fathers relax."

"I think that's a great idea, but don't you think that Landon should stay here then?"  She winked at me from the kitchen.

Every hair on my neck was standing up.  _"She did not just say that!"  I looked around, hoping that no one had picked up on her implication.  __"This is not the way to tell them, Jamie!"_

"Maybe you're right.  It would be nice for the two of us to have some time to chat."  My mom put her arm around her shoulder as they left.

_"Whew!  That was too close!"  I quickly regained my composure.  "Reverend Sullivan, I want to thank you."_

"For what?" he asked me with a quizzical look.

"For Jamie," I continued.  "I want to thank you for raising such an amazing daughter.  Everyday she amazes me more and more with her strength, her faith, and her inner-beauty.  Being a single-father couldn't have been an easy job, but … you excelled at it.  I will always admire that about you."

"Thank you, Landon.  It means a lot to hear you say that."  His eyes had grown misty.  "I must admit though, when I first heard that Jamie's mother and I were expecting, I had all of these grand notions about how great fatherhood was going to be with my wife by my side.  When I had to bring Jamie home from the hospital without her, it was as if each and every one of those dreams was crushed before my very eyes."

_"Lord, why is he sharing this?  I can't bear to hear it – it's just too painful."  I could feel myself choking up as I prayed that he would stop._

He didn't.  "Just looking at that little baby girl, though – now that was enough to make anyone dream big – even me."  He managed a smile through his tears.

I handed him a tissue.  "I know Jamie sure has made me dream big."

"Good dreams, I hope."  I looked up to see Jamie standing in the doorway with my mother, a smile gracing her face.

"Naturally."  I got up from the table hugging her from behind.  "I missed you," I mumbled into her ear.

Turning around, her lips brushed up against mine.  "I missed you."  

By this time, my mom was already dishing up the ice cream.  "Why don't we have dessert in the living room?  We'll be a little more comfortable in there."

As we all headed towards the living room, Jamie's grip on my arm tightened and her pace slowed as she reoriented herself.  When she realized that everyone had noticed, she was quick to recover, "What can I say; Landon still makes my world spin."

            They laughed, but it was obvious that they were still questioning it as they looked between themselves.  It was as if they were mentally drawing straws, seeing who would have to be the one to ask the obvious.  My mom lost.  "I heard you had a doctor's appointment this past week.  How did that go?  Are these signs of your cancer advancing?"

            Jamie looked at me with a question on her face, and I instantly knew what she wanted to do – she wanted to tell them.  _"There really is no way out of this one, is there?"  I gently nodded my head as I wrapped her hand in mine, showing her my support, while butterflies sprung up in my stomach_

            "Well, actually…" her voice started out in hushed tones before she gained confidence and continued.  "No.  Luckily, in my case they aren't a sign of my leukemia progressing. … Instead … they indicate a new pregnancy," her eyes locked on mine as she finished.  A peaceful smile resting upon her face, it was obvious she was relieved to have been able to share the news.

            The room became speechless, and I'm sure everyone could hear the sound of my heart beating harder and harder as I waited for someone to say _something… anything.  My mother and father were looking at each other, their eyes wide in surprise.  Reverend Sullivan was looking at Jamie and then at me, shaking his head in disbelief._

            Minutes passed.  Nothing was said.  Reverend Sullivan had shifted in his seat and was now staring out the window, his hand brought up to his face.  _"Lord, do something.  Please."_

            "Do you think this is what Landon and I planned?"  Jamie suddenly spoke out, and I was surprised to see her truly angry.  I had never seen her _this angry (ok… I had seen her like this once before – on her front porch after I had insulted her in front of my friends, but it was nonetheless unexpected).  "Do you really think that in the general course of conversation we decided that dealing with my health wasn't enough and that we wanted to start a family when the future already seemed so uncertain?  Well, I can assure you that it didn't."_

            With that, everyone was looking at Jamie, listening to her every word.  I looked on with amazement at the strength she was showing.  I had been so afraid to tell them, yet she had done it with such ease and was now having no difficulty standing up for our new family.  _"… Our new family …"_

            Jamie turned to look me in the eyes before she continued.  "Landon and I are content in knowing that all of this is in the Lord's plan, and are actually truly happy about this."  We exchanged smiles.  While some of the anger had left her voice, her words were just as passionate.  "How can anything that results from the love that Landon and I have for each other be wrong?"  

            My fingers were lifting a tear that had spilt down her face when Reverend Sullivan got out of his seat.  _"Oh great – here it comes.  He's going to lunge out for me any second now!"  I held my breath, awaiting the inevitable.  Instead, he thanked my mother for dinner and headed for the door.  He paused only momentarily, turning around to say, "So Landon, this is how you took care of my little girl?"  The door banged loudly as it shut._

            I felt black-and-blue.  Those words hurt me more deeply than any punch could have.  Jamie squeezed my hand, trying to console me.  "I told you we should have waited until we had the baby between us and them," I whispered, somehow trying to make light of the situation.  Hearing her quiet laughter in response was the best reassurance I could have received.  

            The next thing I knew, my dad had grabbed me in a hug, my mom hugging Jamie.  As he patted me on the back, he showed his support.  "Please don't let our astonishment and concern be construed as meaning that we don't love you and aren't proud of you."

            "You two definitely know how to keep us on our toes!" my mom winked at me.  "And Jamie, nothing but blessings have come out of the love you and Landon share thus far, so I expect nothing less in this case."

            Turning in for bed that night, I knew Jamie had been right about telling our parents right away.  There was a definite sense of relief, knowing it was all out in the open, yet the weight Jamie's father had placed on me remained.  _"At least Reverend Sullivan now has eight-and-a-half months to try to find it in his heart to forgive me."  _

As I closed my eyes, I saw the disappointment on his face, hearing his words echoing in my brain, "So Landon, this is how you took care of my little girl … took care of my little girl … took care of my little girl… my little girl."__


	11. Dandelions in the Breeze

Chapter Eleven:

Dandelions in the Breeze

            _The sun was beating down, almost blinding me with its unyielding, blinding rays.  In my left arm was our baby, my right hand trying to shield the sleeping face from the bright light.  Squinting, I scanned my surroundings, failing to find what I was looking for._

_            The park was full of families that day – at the swing set a father was pushing his son on the swing, the little boy begging to go higher;  at the bench a mother was reading a book to her daughter.  As I walked up the pathway, I couldn't help but smile to myself.  _

_            "Just think, Reverend Carter, one day you'll be able to share those moments with your child."  I turned my head to find an older woman with a knowing look upon her face._

_            "And what a day that will be."  I shared.  _

_Just then my eyes fixated on the shaded hill up in the distance.  There Jamie was laying out a blanket on the grass, a picnic basket resting beside her.  The wind was blowing her skirt in the wind, making the material appear to be dancing around her.  I carefully took my seat next to her. The immediate relief from the sun washed over me, and I was finally able to relax.  _

_Jamie took my free-hand in hers, "My two favorite people."_

_Looking up to the sky, I could see the sun advancing its rays through the branches.  "I don't know how much longer our shade is going to hold out," I sighed._

_Jamie glanced around the blanket, deep in thought, before leaning over to pick a single dandelion.  Holding it in front of me, she smiled.  "Landon, worries are like dandelions."  She paused, twirling the simple flower in her fingers.  "They are blown away on the breeze of an answered prayer."  With that, she gently exhaled through her lips, sending the seeds in infinite directions until they disappeared altogether._

_Taking the now bare stem into my fingers, I contemplated her words.  How easy it all seemed!_

"Landon … Landon ..."  I forced my eyes open to find Jamie whispering in my ear.  "Landon, wake up.  Someone's knocking at the door."  By the sound of her voice it was apparent that she was still half asleep as well.

            Groggily I glanced at the clock.  _"__3:34__!  Why would anyone decide to drop by in the middle of the night?"  _

I started to sit up when Jamie stopped me.  "Be careful.  It might be a burglar or something."

I chuckled.  Lowering my head, I kissed her on the forehead, my fingers running through her hair.  "Baby, burglars don't knock to be let in."

Missing a few steps, I stumbled down the staircase.  Now fully jolted awake, I reached the front door and looked through the peep-whole.  _"Oh great!  It's worse than a burglar – it's Reverend Sullivan!"  I couldn't believe it.  I unlocked the dead bolt and opened the door, hoping my eyes had been playing tricks on me and that it was a robber after all.  They hadn't._

"Landon … Can I come in?" Reverend Sullivan managed to choke out.

"Sure."  As he stepped past me, my guilt overcame me and I found myself saying things that even caught me by surprise.  "Reverend, I'm sorry.  This is entirely my fault…"

"Landon," he protested.

For some reason, I continued.  "I had promised myself that I wasn't going to let anything happen between us…"

"Landon."

My mind had drifted back to our night on the balcony.  "But then that night… the way the light was reflecting off her face …"

"Son, please… stop while you're ahead."  His hand was resting on my shoulder.

Embarrassment washed over me_.  "Gosh, Landon – how much would you have told him if he wouldn't have stopped you? …"_

My thoughts were interrupted by quiet giggling coming from upstairs.  Jamie's face was peeking around the corner, smiling down on the scene that was playing out right inside the front door.  "Daddy."  She descended the staircase and gave her father a hug.

"Jamie, I owe you an apology – I owe both of you an apology."  Reverend Sullivan glanced at me.  "I realize it's late, but if you could just hear me out, I would really appreciate it."  His voice was shaking; it was clear that he was nervous.

"Come on in, Reverend." I said, turning on the living room lights, inviting him to take a seat.  _"It can't be any worse than it was this afternoon, could it?"_

"You would think that by this point in my life, I would realize that you can't foresee the Lord's plan – especially after you entered my daughter's life, Landon."  He chuckled to himself at his comment before continuing.  "Tonight, God has had to show me that that is still an area that I need to work on.  Jamie, when I heard that you were pregnant, I could not have been more caught off-guard.  It was just too much for me to handle.  I spent this past evening sulking over old home movies, asking God what it was that was bothering me so much."

We sat there in silence for some time.  Jamie and I looked at each other, not knowing what to say.

At last, he continued.  "It took me a lot of reflection to realize that I wasn't worried about you, Jamie.  You made it very clear today that you had found your peace."  He took Jamie's hand before focusing on me.   "I was worried about you, Landon.  I couldn't help but see a little bit of myself when I thought about you becoming a single father.  I didn't want to watch you go through all of the mixed emotions I experienced."

I exhaled in astonishment.  As I looked up at him, I actually had a new sense of respect for the man.

"When I lost your mother, Jamie, I found you to be my greatest source of comfort.  You were a part of her in every aspect, reminding me of her presence at every turn.  At the very least, I know that, Landon, you will come to appreciate the solace in knowing that in this way Jamie will always be with you."  Tears had fought their way out of Reverend Sullivan's eyes as he continued.  "A part of me, however, wouldn't accept that as being enough.  I must have watched over six hours of videos of you when you were younger, Jamie.  Then I found something."  He pulled a video tape out of his jacket pocket and handed it to me.  "I'm sorry for the way I reacted earlier.  I love you both and am really happy for you.  God has truly blessed you."

            I rose from the couch and put the tape in the VCR.  Hitting play, I couldn't help but wonder what he had come across.  I wrapped my arm around Jamie and she leaned in, resting her head on my shoulder.   Reverend Sullivan looked at the two of us, his lips forming a slight smile.

            As soon as the tape started, I was immediately transported back to kindergarten – Mrs. Jones, play dough, and paper paste:  _The camera struggled to focus as it slowly scanned the classroom before finally zooming in on a little girl in pig-tail braids along the one wall._

            "I had forgotten how adorable you were back then," I whispered.

            Jamie smiled, before bursting out in laughter.  "Is that you and Eric playing in the sand box in the background?"

            I chuckled. "That would be correct – nice hair, hugh?" I replied, referring to my long bowl-cut.

            "I think it's cute."  She glanced up at me.

            _Jamie was sitting in the rocking chair, a doll in her arms.  You could just make out the lullabies she was humming as she rocked back and forth._

_            "Aren't you a good Mommy," Mrs. Jones had approached her and was now kneeling beside her.  "Did you get your baby to stop crying?"_

_            "No, Mrs. Jones – it's not hungry and it won't go to sleep.  I don't know what to do."  _

_            "Well, Jamie, what else do babies need to make them happy?" she questioned._

_            Jamie cupped her chin in the palm of her hand, scrunching her forehead deep in thought.  Her face suddenly lit up.  "I know!  Thanks, Mrs. Jones."  She glanced around the room before finally heading in my direction and tapping me on the shoulder.  "Baby wants her daddy to tuck her in."_

_            I laughed, a questioning look painted on my face, before finally pulling my hands out of the wet sand I was shaping.  I took the doll in my hands, brought it up to my shoulder, patted its back, and then lay it down on a nearby chair._

_            She thanked me, and then noticing her father in the corner, took off skipping.  "Daddy, Daddy."  _

_            With that the video turned to fuzz._


	12. No Rip Van Winkle

Chapter Twelve:

No Rip Van Winkle

            Glancing over to the couch, I was pleased to see Jamie sound asleep, _The Great Gatsby still opened on her lap.  __"She really needs the rest and I could use a little time to think," I thought as I headed towards the kitchen.  Slowly opening the drawer, I sifted through the papers until I finally found what I was looking for.  I turned the letter over in my hands a couple of times, examining the jagged opening where I had hurriedly ripped it open.  Pulling the paper out of the envelope one more time, I reread it._

_            Dear Mr. Landon Carter,_

_After much review of your application materials, we would like to welcome you to the __University__ of __North Carolina__.  We have a proud tradition of academic excellence – one which we are eager to share with you.  We are confident that the unique opportunities that you will find here will guide you down new and exciting roads._

_Enclosed you will find a letter of intent, which needs to be returned by July 15tht.  Orientation is currently scheduled for August 18th.  We look forward to meeting you there and answering any further questions you may have._

_Sincerely,_

_Betty Youngblood_

_University__ of __North Carolina___

_Dean of Students_

I had received my acceptance letter right after Jamie was hospitalized, and had never shared it with her.  While I was relieved to have that out of the way, there were just too many other things to worry about, so I had pushed it aside.  

_"'New and exciting roads,' hugh?  What if I'm finally content with the roads I'm on?  It's strange; you can go through life, the whole time thinking that you know exactly what you want.  Then when that finally comes along, you find that your perceptions weren't as accurate as you thought they were."  I knew I couldn't push it aside any longer.  Folding the paper, I glanced over my shoulder.  __"Good, she's still asleep."   I walked across the kitchen and bent down to drop the letter into the garbage._

At that moment, the phone rang.  Startled, I jerked up, hitting my head on the counter in the process.  "OWW!!" I yelped in pain.  _"You're really doing a great job of being quiet."  The phone rang again.  __"And you're doing better by the minute."  I must have lunged for the phone, determined not to let it ring again.  "Hello," I answered in hushed tones, my head still throbbing._

"Happy Fourth of July, Honey."  The energy on the other end was overwhelming.

"Hey, Mom."

"What's with all the whispering?" she answered in the lowest voice possible – she was mocking me, and I knew it.  The laugh that followed only confirmed my suspicions.

I stretched the phone cord as far as it could reach, turning my back to the living room.  "Jamie's resting, so I'm trying – rather unsuccessfully, might I add – to be quiet for her.  So what's up?"

"Well, I went through a bunch of stuff in the attic the other day, and found some stuff that Jamie might get a kick out of.  I was wondering if you two would want to stop by later."  Only my mother would decide to go through the attic in the summer.

"Actually, I was hoping to stop by later tonight before dark anyway… but I'll have to talk to Jamie about it when she wakes up…"

            "What time does she want us to stop by?"  I turned around to see Jamie now sitting up on the couch, smiling over at me.

            When we arrived at my mom's she already had a cardboard box setting in the living room.  It had a definite lean to it, and was still covered with a great deal of dust

"What is that?" I asked her, trying to hide my apprehension.

My mom approached the box, lifting one of the flaps and pulled a dress made of the brightest tie-dye material I had ever seen.  "Landon, you mean to tell me you don't remember this?  I'm crushed."  She laughed as she held it up to model.

"Well, by the looks of that get-up, I probably repressed the memory," I chuckled.

"Very funny.  I was pregnant with you in the late '70's, so be nice.  Jamie, I found my maternity clothes up in the attic a few days back and thought I would pass them along to you.  Obviously they aren't the most fashionable," my mom shot me a look, "but you might find a few things that will work for you."

Jamie smiled, "I'm sure I will.  Thank you so much for thinking of me."  

Looking outside, I saw that the sun was setting.  "Umm, Mom, would you mind if we borrowed the hammock for the evening?"

An inquiring look covered Jamie's face.

"Well, after the dress comments…" my mom began.

"Hey, didn't I see that dress in an old issue of vogue or something?"  I walked over and gave her a hug.

"Now the memory comes back," she teased.  "Go have fun."

After telling Jamie that I would meet her out there and waiting for the door to close behind her, I handed my mom a bag.  "Would you mind helping me with a little something? …"

As I stepped outside, I saw Jamie had already stretched out on the hammock, her hands resting behind her head.  "I brought us a blanket to keep warm," I said as I unfolded it and proceeded to lay it out.  As it settled, it completely covered her.

Folding down the blanket down just enough to expose her face, she was quick to counter.  "What, no thermos of hot coffee?" hiding her face as rapidly as it was revealed.

"No, no coffee this time."  I made my way onto the hammock and under the blanket, causing us to rock from side to side.  Straining to see in the dark under the covers, I could just make out the outline of her face.

She rolled on her side and inched closer to me.  "So, what is this all about?"

I smiled, letting her question rest in the open for a few minutes until I finally heard the magic sound in the distance.  "Well, take a look for yourself."  I pulled the blanket down, the slight breeze brushing across our cheeks.  There in the distance you could barely distinguish the fireworks that the county set off each year.

After gazing at the horizon for several minutes, Jamie propped herself up and faced me, whispering, "Thank you."  Her fingers ran through my hair as she spoke.  "Wow, the counter was not friendly to you this afternoon.  You have a knot on the top of your head."

"Oh… you heard that?" I winced from the pain.  "I had hoped that it wouldn't wake you."

She giggled, "I'm no Rip Van Winkle, Landon.  I'm sure half of Beaufort heard your pain."

"Rip Van Winkle, no, but I was kind of holding out for Sleeping Beauty."  I leaned up, kissing her and drawing her downward.  My hands roamed up her back, the fireworks expressing every emotion I was experiencing at the moment – quick rushes of love, admiration, adoration … each being quickly surpassed by the next… flooding together to create a whole that defined and consumed me.

"I figured you two would be checking out the show, but heck, there's more action going on down here then up there." Eric was standing not twenty feet away, his hands in his pockets.

Even in the evening dusk, the blush rushing to Jamie's face was clearly visible, as she pulled away thoroughly embarrassed.

            "Hey, Eric… Great timing, as usual… What's up?"  I did little to hide the sarcasm.

            "Sorry about that," he chuckled, walking up to the hammock.  "I just had to share the good news with you.  I heard back from UNC, and you'd never believe it, but they actually are going to give me a scholarship.  I just hope the letter wasn't misaddressed."

            "Congratulations, man!"  I gave him a big high-five.

            "I was hoping you could help me celebrate sometime.  I haven't gotten to see you in weeks."

            Jamie glanced up at me with unease.  "I wonder why you haven't heard anything from them yet.  Maybe we should check with the post office, they might not be forwarding your mail correctly."

            _"Well, I wouldn't exactly blame the post office…"  I didn't exactly want to explain it like this.  "So, Eric, how did you want to celebrate?"_

            "Grab a pizza …" He began to detail his plan.

            _"Jamie, please don't press the issue… not now…"_


	13. FigureEights through the Clouds

Chapter Thirteen:

Figure-Eights Through the Clouds

 A few weeks had passed since the fourth, and Eric and I were just getting around to celebrating.  Like he had planned, we went to the local pizza parlor.  It was just the two of us; he had invited Jamie, too.  While she had explained that she was feeling a little tired and needed some rest, I had the feeling she was just trying to give us a chance to catch up.

"So, what class do you want to take together first?" Eric asked me, picking up his third piece of pizza.  "Underwater basket weaving, maybe?  It'd give us a great chance to check out the pool."

"Umm… I don't think so. … And, for your information, they call it underwater basket weaving because you hold the basket in a pan of water while you work – you, yourself, are actually quite dry."  I laughed, picturing Eric showing up for class on the first day in his swim trunks and goggles. __

"What's up with you?  First, I don't hear from you for over a month and have to track you down at your mom's.  And today, you're dodging every question I have about school.  What gives?"  Eric's gaze was unyielding and it was obvious that he expected an answer.

"Jamie's pregnant."  

A spray of Pepsi flew across the table as my words registered.  "Oh, that's funny!  Nice joke.  So what is it really?"

I didn't respond.

"You're eighteen years old!"  His voice was raised, and a few people were starting to look our way.

"Thanks.  You know, I had lost count around ten," I muttered.  _"For once, why can't we have a normal reaction?  What I wouldn't give for a 'Congratulations!' or a 'How exciting!'  But no, this time I get showered with pop and asked if I know how old I am."_

Silence fell among us.  I knew I had nothing to explain to him.  Then Eric changed the subject.  "Did you catch Letterman last night?  They had this lady on who could actually pop her eyes out!"  His hands went to his eyes, as he demonstrated how far they had protruded.  We both laughed, our conversation returning to normal.

On the way out of the pizza place, Eric invited me back to his house to catch a movie.  I realized that was his way of apologizing.  "I'll have to pass on the movie, but I could use some of your expert computer skills," I smirked.

That afternoon, I returned home, a box under my arm.  Opening the door, the sound of Jamie's voice greeted me.  She was in the kitchen, putting away a few dishes, singing as if she didn't have a care in the world.  _"She was feeling tired and needed some rest, hugh?"  I smiled.  She hadn't heard me enter, so I took full advantage of the opportunity.  _

_"This is the air I breathe,_

_This is the air I breathe,_

_Your holy presence_

_Living in Me._

_And I, I'm desperate for You,_

_And I, I'm lost without You…"_

["Breathe"]

            Just then she saw me.  "How long have you been back?"

            I glanced at my watch.  "Maybe five minutes – not long enough to catch the full show, I'm afraid.  Come here; I have something for you to check out."  I could hardly contain myself as I held out the box.

            Joining me in the living room, she took the box in her lap, lifted the lid, and pulled out the photo album from within.  As she opened to the first page, she gasped.  Centered in the page was a picture of the two of us, our faces wrinkled, streaks of gray running through our hair.  Above the picture read the words, 

_"Happy Golden Anniversary:  50 and still going strong."_

            "Landon, you usually celebrate your golden anniversary after 50 years."  Her face glowed with joy.

            "50 years… 50 days… what's the difference, really?  I mean, one day with you provides me with more memories than a year without you."

            Her fingers were running over the pictures as she flipped through the next few pages filled with pictures of us in our "older days".  "How did you do these?"

            "Well, I figured that Eric deserved an opportunity to redeem his photo editing skills. See here…"  I pointed to one of the pictures.  "After our kids graduated, we spent a year in the Peace Core.  They stationed us in Egypt, so we made the trip out to see the pyramids.  We had to ride these camels to get there – I was sore for days."

            Jamie giggled, leaning up against me.  "Go on."

            "And here," I pointed to the next page.  "For our fortieth anniversary, we decided to take flying lessons so that we could really fly together.  You were doing figure-eights through the clouds after just a couple of lessons."  

Jamie turned the page, "What about this one?"  Her laughter was contagious.

"Who could forget my fiftieth birthday?  I came home with a fake Mohawk on.  You actually thought I was going through a midlife crisis or something.  I mean, look at your reaction!"

            "So much we might miss out on," she whispered.

            I leaned up to her ear, allowing the scent of her shampoo to fully overpower me before sighing, "No, so much we might gain."  My fingers traced Romans 8:24-25, which I had written on the top of every page.   Turning to the next section, I replied, "Look how much we've experience already,"

            We sat there, reminiscing as we examined the play script, pictures and reviews from opening night, articles from astrology magazines about comet Haikutaki, our wedding invitation and pictures, the Father's Day card, an add for the county firework display…  It was overwhelming to realize how much we had already done together.

            "Landon, did you happen to check the mail on your way in?" Jamie asked me later that evening.

            "Nope, it slipped my mind."  Realizing I had completely forgotten to do so, I headed towards the door.  Just then the phone rang.

            "I'll get that… my dad said he'd probably give me a call tonight."

Returning to the house a few minutes later, Jamie's whole demeanor had changed.  She was already off the phone and was back flipping through the photo album, but it was apparent that something was different.  "Landon, do you have something you want to share with me?" she questioned.

"You, Jamie, are a finalist in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes," I responded, holding up the infamous brown envelope, trying to lighten the mood.  Truth be told, I had no clue what she was talking about.

Shaking her head and sighing, she got up from the couch and headed to the kitchen.

_"Great!  She's upset and I have to crack a joke! … Wait a second… What was that phone call all about?"  My mind sifted through all the possibilities as I set the mail down and followed Jamie, determined to figure out. _


	14. Lights On, Lights Off

Chapter Fourteen

Lights On, Lights Off

            "Jamie, what's bothering you?" I begged, hopping up on the kitchen counter.

            Jamie was standing at the sink, looking out the window, her back turned towards me.  The only replies were the quiet sniffles coming from her direction.  

              "I can't stand to see you upset.  Please talk to me," I pleaded.  I would have gotten down on my knees and groveled if I had thought that would help.

"It's funny, it doesn't seem like you've been talking to me about certain things," she muttered.

            _"What haven't I told her about? … Oh no…"  It finally registered. _

            "The phone was for you.  It was some lady from UNC.  She wanted me to let you know that since she never received your letter of intent, she's assuming you have chosen to attend elsewhere." I could hear the pain grow in her voice as she continued.  "She asked me what your plans were, and I … I didn't know what to tell her."

            My head sunk into my hands, ashamed.  I could vividly remember how hurt I felt when I learned that Jamie had been keeping her leukemia a secret from me – but at least she was the one to tell me about it in the end.  I hadn't even given her that courtesy, the realization of which only made me feel worse.  "I'm sorry.  It's not that I wanted to keep anything from you.  There was just so much going on that … well, figuring out my exact plans for the fall just didn't seem as crucial.  It definitely didn't seem like something I should worry you about."

            "Landon, that's what I'm here for.  We're supposed to support each other, but there's no way I can support you if I don't know what you're dealing with," she said, turning around to face me.  You could still see the paths her tears had taken down her cheeks.  "This might surprise you, but I haven't perfected mind reading quite yet."  The corners of her lips rose into a faint smile as she crossed the kitchen and joined me up on the counter, taking my hand in hers.

            I sighed, taking in the softness of her hand and the firmness of her grip.  It totally encompassed everything about her.  Here I had hurt her – hid things from her – yet her strength still allowed her to find a way to be gentle with me.  "The acceptance letter talked about 'new and exciting roads'," I explained, mocking the phrase.  "I don't want 'new and exciting,' I want 'right here, right now.'"

            "Landon … it's an expression."

_"Ok, maybe that wasn't the best way to explain it…"  I tried again.  "Do you realize that if I went ahead with medical school our child would be seven years old before I finished?  Late classes, labs, practicum – that's no way to raise a child.  Even after I graduate, my schedule would be less than accommodating. …  I remember on my fourth birthday, right before my parents were divorced, my dad was going to teach me how to fish.  We were half way to the lake when he was paged.  We had to turn around so he could head to the hospital.  I was crushed."  I glanced over at her.  "I don't want that to happen – I refuse to let that happen."_

            "So you're just going to give up on your dream?"  Her question wasn't probing or forceful.  Rather, it had a soothing affect on me.

            "No, I'm not giving up on my dream.  When we got married, my dreams were sacrificed for our dreams, remember?"  I smiled at the familiar words, as did she.

            "What are your plans, then?"

            "Actually, I was thinking about going to Bible school."

            Jamie's eyes widened and her mouth opened.  "Where did this idea come from?"

            "Well, recently I've been having dreams that have been leading me in this direction.  It's like … my dreams have been showing me what I could have if I would just wake up. … Crazy?"  I knew the whole concept still sounded crazy to me.

            She shook her head.

            "Besides, your father has been really helpful with the whole matter."

            I knew that was bound to get a reaction out of her, and I wasn't let down – it was the perfect mixture of shock and delight.  "You've talked to my dad about this?  What did he say?"

            "At first, I think I about gave him a heart attack.  His face got so pale," I chuckled.  "But we had a nice talk.  I explained where I was coming from – my worries about going to UNC and the dreams I've had.  I was surprised that he actually understood.  He helped me find a good school that's only a half hour away from here.  He even wrote me a letter of recommendation for my application, which I sent off last week."

             "Sounds like you have everything pretty much figured out."  She stuck her lower lip out, pouting, "Didn't you leave anything for me to help you with?"

            I thought a moment before replying.  "Well, there was one thing I hadn't figured out yet.  I could really use some advice on how I should break the news to my wife," I replied, winking at her.

            That night, lying in bed, a million thoughts were running through my head.  Hours had passed and sleep had completely eluded me.  There was a comfort in my life that hadn't been there in weeks.  I was amazed at how much pressure had been placed upon me this whole time.  However, a part of me was still a little apprehensive, wondering how Jamie really felt about everything.  _"She took the news so well… almost too well, actually.  Would she have told me if she thought I was making a mistake?"  _

            I leaned over and flipped on the lamp on the nightstand.  "Jamie," I whispered, brushing a few strands of hair away from her face.  "Jamie, are you awake?"

            She slowly drew her hand to her eyes, rubbing them.  "Well, I am now."  Sleep was still present in her speech.  "What's wrong?"

            "How are you able to sleep after everything that's happened today?" I asked, partly out of curiosity and partly out of frustration for my own lack of sleep.

            "Landon, I meant it when I told you that you could do anything.  Nothing's changed."  She curled up beside me and her eyes soon closed.

            I turned off the lamp.  Laying there in the dark, the minutes passed.  For some reason, it just wasn't enough.  I flipped on the light.  "But what if I've made some huge mistake.  I mean, I have a couple of dreams and then change all of my plans."

            She yawned as she propped herself up to look at me. "Abimelech, Jacob, Laban, Midianite, the Pharaoh of Egypt, Solomon, King Nebuchadnezzar, Eliphaz, Daniel, Joseph, Pilate's wife, Peter, and Paul – do you know what all these people have in common?"  She was deep in though as she listed them, pausing between each one.

            I looked at her with as much confusion as I was feeling.  "Not a clue."

            "God revealed things to all of them through their dreams."  A smile crossed her face.  "It's no different with you."  She ran her fingers down my cheeks before lying back down.

            I turned off the lamp, finally beginning to relax until a little doubt crept back it.  The light went back on.  "Jamie, how do you know that's what my dreams were?"

            "Faith.  God takes care of our prayers," she managed to mutter, struggling to open her eyes.  "Just like I know that He will take care of my prayer for a good night's sleep."  

            I chuckled as I turned off the light for the final time that night.  "I love you," I whispered against her forehead, as I wrapped my arms around her.  No reservations remained – Jamie was behind me, and of that I was certain.  A vote of confidence and a reminder of Who was really behind the change, was all I needed to hear to put my mind at ease.

            Just as I started to drift off to sleep, a light whisper pulled me back.  "I love you, too."


	15. More Powerful than We Realize

Chapter Fifteen:

More Powerful than We Realize

            "Landon, this is a surprise.  It's good to see you."  My dad greeted me from down the hall.  He glanced down at his watch.  "I have lunch in about… five minutes.  Would you want to grab a bite to eat with me?"

            "Sounds good."  I sat back in the chair.  _"Ok… you are going to tell him today – face to face.  No excuses.  No matter how much it might disappoint him, he needs to know," I tried to convince myself.  _

In the few weeks that had passed, Jamie had been encouraging me to talk to him about my change in schools.  Truth be told, she was doing more than just encouraging me; she was doing practically everything besides speaking the words for me.  

Picking up the phone, she would "mistakenly" dial my dad's phone number and then "realizing her mistake," hand me the phone.  "Landon, I did it again… I'm so sorry.  At least you two have something to talk about," she would smirk.  Before I could even begin to protest he had already answered the phone.  Yet I never brought up the subject.

When I tried to explain to Jamie that I didn't want to tell him over the phone, he amazingly showed up for dinner the next evening.  Much to her dismay, I was a pro at avoiding the topic, dodging it whenever I could feel it coming up.  In that respect, the night was a wonderful success.

That day, she had basically shooed me out of the house.  "Your father takes his lunch at 1:00.  Take him to lunch and tell him.  You're not coming back until you do."

"But…" I started to protest.

"I will change the locks if I have to, so don't push me."  She smiled around the door as she closed it in my face before I could express any further objections.

I stood there momentarily, trying to find a way out of it.  I did _not want to go.  _

"Landon, I can see you through the peep hole, and you aren't moving."  I could hear her giggles through the door.

Thus, there I was, sitting in the waiting room, wondering how Jamie could be so persistent and calculating just how much I was going to let my father down.  

"Landon."  I looked up to see my dad standing in front of me.  He patted me on the back as I rose from the chair.

A nasal voice came over the intercom.  "Dr. Carter, you're needed in room 114, Dr. Carter."  

            He turned to me, an apology written on his face.  "Do you mind?"

            "No, you have a job to do.  I'll be here."  Sitting back down, I watched him take off down the hall.  His white coat was his life.  Whether he realized it or not, he had just given me the certainty I needed.  _"The sacrifice he made to become a doctor was not just a temporary one to get him through school; it was a lifelong sacrifice – not only for himself, but for his family as well. … That's just not the course I want my life to take."_

            As I picked up a magazine from the coffee table, I now had the confidence to tell him.  My mind was secure in my decision.  _"Thank you, Lord.  What was once blurred, You have focused."_

            "Hungry?" my dad asked me as he rushed past me a while later, hanging his white coat in his office.

            "Starving."  I glanced at my watch.  It was now nearly 2:30.

            Sitting down to eat, I didn't have to wait long for my opportunity, and this time I was ready for it.  "So, have you been enjoying your summer?"

            I sighed.  "Dad, enjoy doesn't even begin to describe it. … It amazes me at times.  It's like I've been given the opportunity to be a part of Jamie's world – see what she sees, hear what she hears… feel what she feels… Still, I can't help but wonder what she's thinking when she gets that quite smile of hers or what dreams are floating through her mind while she sleeps beside me."  I looked at him, realizing I was straying from his question.  Embarrassment briefly silenced me before I continued.  "I just don't want the summer to end; I don't want to leave that world… even for a short while."

            He smirked momentarily, then becoming serious.  "But it does have to end.  School's just around the corner.  It's already the middle of August.  UNC starts in … what, two weeks?"

            _"Bingo!  There's no avoiding it now."  I took a deep breath before beginning.  "Actually, Dad, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. … I've decided not to attend UNC."_

            I could almost swear I saw him smile at the news.  "That doesn't surprise me…  Actually, I almost expected it."

            "What do you mean?"  I was blown away, not understanding in the slightest.

            "When you two told us that Jamie was expecting, I had the feeling that you wouldn't be able to leave her or your baby to make the daily trips to UNC.  Let's just say that you didn't let me down."  

            "So… you're not disappointed in me?"

            He laughed.  "No, Landon.  In fact, I can honestly say that I have a newfound respect for you.  You made a wise and responsible decision, taking into account the needs of not only yourself, but your family as well."  He leaned forward, addressing me head-on, "I mean, you of all people, are aware of the costs that would have been involved.  I did a great job exposing you to those, and I am sorry for that."

            I pulled into the driveway after lunch, still in shock from our conversation.  I was on a high and didn't think the day could get much better.  I unlocked the door and stepped inside.

            Jamie was quick to greet me.  "So… should I allow you to enter the house or should I bring out the locksmith?" 

            I only smiled at her, walking up and sitting beside her on the couch.

            "You told him?  What did he say?"

            It was all I could do not to laugh at her enthusiasm.  "He's proud of me…"

            "I could have told you as much… wait, I think I have been these past few weeks …" She leaned over to the coffee table and picked up an envelope, holding it in front of me, just out of my reach.  "Well, you got a little something in the mail today.  It's from a certain college you recently applied to."  Her eyes sparkled.

            I reached for the envelope, but she pulled it back.  "Can I please look at it?" I begged.

            Then she did it – shaking her head, she took off out of the living room and upstairs, letter in hand and a trail of laughter following her through the house.

When I had cornered her in the bedroom, she finally surrendered the letter.  Sitting on the bed, I ripped it open as fast as I could.  I knew just how much was riding on this moment

Apparently, so did Jamie.  She joined me, resting her legs across mine.  Her eyes attempted to read my every expression.

I read the letter several times.  I folded the paper and returned it to its envelope, setting it aside – all the while completely emotionless.

"Well…?"

I took both of her hands in mine before falling back on the bed in relief, bringing her down with me in the process.

She let out a squeal as she fell on top of me.  Her hair brushing my face, she looked down at me.  "Well…?"  Her quiet smile resided on her face.

It was all I could do to whisper, "I … got … in."

Leaning in, Jamie stroked my face, her fingers lingering at each eyelid.  "I guess our dreams might be a little more powerful than we realize."

When at last our lips met, a single coherent thought remained. _"No… I don't want to leave this world."_


	16. Jelly Beans and M&M’s

Chapter Sixteen:

Jelly Beans and M&M's

            Unfortunately, the summer did end and I was forced to briefly pull myself from the world I had become so accustomed to over the past few months.  

            Taking my seat in the classroom on that first day of classes was like stepping into a foreign world.  _"What am I doing here?  My life has been anything but a prime example of how to live a Christian life.  I'm just kidding myself."  Looking around me, I knew I didn't fit in.  __"Heck, I'm an M&M in a bag of jelly beans."  _

            I opened my bag and pulled out a book well worn over the years.  When Reverend Sullivan had learned that I didn't even own a Bible, he had given me one of his, telling me, "This one got me through school and always provided me answers when I was in need.  It's about time it got some good use again."

            I slumped in my seat and sighed, flipping to Romans, Chapter 8 in hopes of finding some comfort in the all too familiar verse.  As the page turned, a post-it note caught my eye.

_"Landon, I was hoping _

_to catch you here.  Why the long face?  _

_Smile – you are right where God_

_wants you.  How can you ask_

_for more?_

_I love you,_

_Jamie"_

            I couldn't help but smile.  _"Okay… it's now official – she knows me just a bit too well…"  I lifted the note to examine it further, only to notice another directly below it._

_"Ahh… there's the smile I know_

_and love.  Have a great day, and remember:_

_'Hope is a waking dream.'_

_– Aristotle"_

            Laughing to myself, I glanced around the room.  There were probably thirty-five students occupying the forty desks.  Most were conversing in small groups, laughing amongst themselves, already well-acquainted.  _"So this is what a waking dream feels like, hugh? … Well, at least this M&M is in the right bag… or rather… dream."  _

            The professor entered, and the room soon quieted.  He didn't fit my idea of a Bible school professor, sporting a goatee and bright orange shirt, a backpack slung over his shoulder.  He pushed the lectern into the corner and instead opted to sit on the corner of the desk.  "September already, hugh?  I'm sure you still have summer day dreams running through your brains.  Personally, mine thinks it's lounging on the beaches of Hawaii," he laughed.  "Well, as your schedule probably has informed you, I'm Mr. Morelock.  Since we're going to have plenty of time to hit the books this year, I thought we could spend today getting to know each other a bit.  So, let's hear it:  name, a little bit about yourself, and why you're here in my class."  He clapped his hands to make sure he had everyone's attention.

            I sat up a little in my seat, my interests definitely peaked.  _"Wow… This might not be so bad after."_

            One by one, people introduced themselves, told a bit about their families or jobs, and shared their motives for enrolling.  The more I listened, the more nervous I got for my turn to speak – especially when it came to the final question.  Everyone had such profound motivations:  

"My father's a minister and I want to follow in his footsteps…"

 "I've just always wanted to make a difference…"

"I plan on going into missionary work…"

I couldn't help but sigh,_ "Like anything I have to say could stand on its own in comparison to their reasons. … Oh great!  It's my turn."_

_            "Ummm… My name is Landon Carter. … I have an amazing wife, Jamie, and the two of us are expecting our first child in the beginning of March." _

            Just as I was about to answer the question I was dreading, Mr. Morelock interrupted.  "Congratulations.  That has to be very exciting for you." 

            _"The first positive reaction… Hey, maybe I'm off the hook on that last part…"  I smiled.  "It is."_

            "With so much going on, why did you decide to grace us with your presence?"  He leaned back, spreading his hands out in the air in the process.

            _"Ok… I guess not."  I cleared my throat.  "Well, I guess you could say that I'm here … after a couple of dreams."  I looked up at Mr. Morelock, ignoring the light laughter coming from a few people around me.  __"It might not be the world's best motive, but it is my reality and I refuse to be ashamed of it."_

            "Alright, there's no need for laughter… God's means to reach people are as diverse as this class is, and dreams are definitely one of them…  There are many instances of this in the Bible.  Can we come up with any?" Mr. Morelock questioned.

            The room sat in silence, processing his request.  The students in the front row had opened their Bibles and were flipping through the pages, looking for the answer.  Others had confused looks on their faces as they glanced around the room to make sure that everyone else was as baffled as they were.

            "Well, there was Jacob, the Pharaoh of Egypt, Solomon, Daniel, and Joseph…" I said rather matter-of-factly, recalling what Jamie had told me that one night.

            "Bingo!" he exclaimed, pointing right at me.  "Okay… who's next? …"

            _"Thank you, Jamie…once again!"_

            After class, I was one of the last people out of the room.  It was nearly noon and the only thing on my mind was getting home to Jamie.

            "Hey… It's Landon, right?"

            I looked to the side and was surprised to see Mr. Morelock leaning against the wall, an open can of Pepsi in his right hand.  "Yeah."

            He moved from the wall and started to walk down the hall with me.  "I just wanted to thank you for being so frank with us in there… about the dreams, I mean.  It's good to hear."

            "Not a problem…"

            "M&M?"  He stuck out his left hand, revealing an open bag of Peanut M&M's.

            "Yeah… sure… thanks," I replied, taken aback as he poured a few into the palm of my hand.

            "I'm not sure why, but they've always been my favorite," he responded with a smile.


	17. A Reason to Hope

Chapter Seventeen:

A Reason to Hope

            "Alright, that's it for today.  You can pick up your papers on your way out.  Be forewarned, I take a Wal-mart approach towards people who decide their work isn't worth gathering:  Beware of falling grades."  Mr. Morelock chuckled to himself as he spread the papers out on the edge of the desk.  

            We had been studying the life of Daniel for the past few weeks, and had been assigned to write about the time when we had to learn to lean on God – our own lion's den, if you will.  It had to have been the easiest paper I had ever written.  When I sat at the computer, the words just flowed in a rushing stream.  My thoughts came at me so quickly, however, that my fingers were struggling to keep up as I typed in a mad fury.  Thoughts of learning of Jamie's cancer and her time in the hospital bombarded me relentlessly.

            I was well on the second page when I sensed Jamie walking up behind me.  Goosebumps rose on my skin as she placed her hands on my shoulders and rested her chin on the top of my head, chiding me, "Landon, be nice… what has the computer ever done to you?"

            Lifting my hands from the keyboard, I looked up, getting just a glimpse of her smiling down on me, an all-knowing look upon her face.  Reaching around the chair, my arms enclosed around the small of her back, resting them there before slowly stroking her rounded belly.

            "Mmmm…" she sighed.  "Don't let me distract you."

            _"That's easy for you to say…" I thought as I returned my fingers to the keys.  Surprisingly, her hands still sitting upon my shoulders, my thoughts slowed and my pace steadied.  The remainder of my paper poured out with clarity and ease, and I had turned it in with confidence._

            I approached his desk and flipped through the pile of papers, failing to see my own.  Mr. Morelock was sitting back in his chair, when he finally cleared his throat.  "Looking for this, Landon?" he asked me, holding my paper in his hands.

            "Yes, actually, I am… falling prices are one thing, but falling grades are a totally different matter." I replied, stepping out of the way of the people reaching around me to grab their papers.

            "So tell me, how long ago did Jamie beat her cancer?"  He folded my paper in two as he said it.

            Confusion and a touch of sadness overtook me.  "She hasn't…"  Looking over at him, I couldn't understand what he was getting at.

            "Really?  Huh… that's interesting, because your whole paper – even the conclusion where you talk about dealing with her leukemia after you found your faith – it's all written in the past tense."

            "Are you serious?" I managed to say.

            He nodded.

            _"I never had any intentions of putting it in the past tense… why would I do that…?" I pondered as he looked on, watching my face turn from one of surprise to one of uncertainty.  "I guess I don't allow myself to dwell on it too much anymore … It's one thing that Jamie and I have just kind of turned over to God.  There's far too much riding on it now for us to even think about dealing with it on our own."  Somehow I managed to grin at the realization._

            "The baby?" he questioned, concern tainting his voice.

            It was my turn to nod. 

            He smiled at me, handing me my paper.  "You have a lot more wisdom than you give yourself credit for, Landon."

            Finally reaching the car, I checked the time.   _"__12:21__?  It can't be...  Even if I sped the whole way, there's no way I'm going to make it on time."  I was supposed to meet Jamie at the obstetrician's office at 12:30 and hated myself for losing track of time.  I pulled on to the road, trying to calm down.  __"Ok… I'm going to be fifteen minutes late… I just need to accept that.  Stressing out about it is not going to get me there any sooner.  We had to wait a good ten minutes before her last appointment anyway."_

_            Just when I thought that the drive had never seemed longer, I turned the corner, orange construction signs catching my eye.  __"You have got to be kidding me…"  Being instructed to stop by the flagger, I put the car in park.  _

There in the distance was a dump truck, inching down the road, dumping gravel on still steaming tar.

I sighed as the minutes ticked by, my mind fighting the images of Jamie waiting by herself, wondering where I was.  As much as my heart was denying it, my mind feared that she was feeling abandoned, forgotten, and it was killing me.  _"Lord, let her know how much I want to be there for her, how much I long to be by her side through all of this…"_

A calmness overtook me.  Looking around, there were no turnoffs for me to get around the construction, no driveways to turn around in, and a long line of vehicles behind me preventing me from backing up.  _"Looks like it's time for me to learn a little patience."_

_ I reached down to turn up the radio when I saw my paper sitting on the front seat, still folded in half.  __"I never checked my grade."  I laughed at the realization.  Picking it up, I read it in disbelief:_

_"Landon, your hope is well-founded.  A-"_

            The clock read 1:05 when I finally pulled into the doctor's parking lot.  Entering the waiting room, I half expected to find Jamie sitting there, already done, waiting to go home.  

            "She's back in room 12 at the end of the hall.  You're welcome to join her," the receptionist informed me from her desk.  "You might want to prepare yourself first, though."

            _"Prepare myself?  Why would I need to prepare myself?  Did something happen…?"  I pondered as I walked down the white hallway.  The door was propped open, so I walked right in, "Jamie, I'm so sorry I'm laaa-aattee."  _

            I came to halt right there in the doorway, not even seeing Jamie or Dr. Nelson.  My eyes were locked on the black-and-white screen in front of me.  

            The shadows suddenly moved, and I was able to focus in on a nose, a pair of lips, and then a hand.  My throat tightened, and my breathing became shallower.  There it was, right in front of my very eyes, as clear as the water that my throat was desperately calling for.  _"This is really happening…  I am really going to be a father…"_

            I felt myself being led into the room.  Pulling my attentions from the screen, I saw Jamie stretching to reach my hand, leading me by her side.  "I knew you'd make it…"  Her face beamed pure joy like I had never seen.

            I couldn't speak.  There were so many thoughts working their way through my brain that forming a rational sentence just wasn't a possibility.  I gave her hand a squeeze while my other hand fell to her cheek.  While my head was trying to figure things out, my heart was alert and there was no doubt that that woman meant more to me than anything.

            "What do you think of her?" she asked me as she turned her head to face the ultrasound screen.

            "Huh? … Did… did you… say 'her'?" I stammered.

            She giggled, returning her eyes to mine before answering.  "Oh, did I?"

            "Ummm… yes… yes… I think you … you did."

            "Well, what do you know?  I think you're right.  So… what do you think of her?"  Hearing her say those words did nothing to my brain which was already running in over-drive.

            I tried to steady my breathing, forcing myself to focus in on expressing exactly what I was feeling.  "Now she… she is something to hope for," I whispered to her, pointing at the screen.

            "Right here, is the head… the arms… the feet," Dr. Nelson spoke up for the first time since I had walked in.

            My glance shot between the screen and Jamie, watching in absolute awe.

            "And this," he paused, "is the heart…" He reached for a stethoscope, put it in place, and then handed me the earpiece.

            Sitting there, watching and hearing the tiny heart beat in rhythm with mine, I had never felt so small… so unimportant… so much a part of a bigger plan… Reaching out to allow my fingers to rest on her stomach, I traced the course that Dr. Nelson had taken just minutes ago.  Feeling Jamie's eyes gaze at mine, my eyes drifted until they met hers.  While I wasn't able to put my thoughts to words for her quite yet, I knew that she was aware of exactly how I was feeling:  _"Right here…right below my very fingers is my every reason to dream… to hope… to live."_


	18. Faith, Hope, and Being Prepared

Chapter Eighteen:

Faith, Hope, and Being Prepared

            "Someone's being awfully quiet… Are you okay?" I asked, looking over my books to her distant expression.  Jamie had been sitting on the other end of the couch as I studied, her gaze directed towards the front window.

            "Hmmm…?" she asked as she brought herself back from wherever her mind had been.

            "Are you okay?"

            "Yeah, I'm fine.  Just doing a little thinking, that's all."  She forced a smile as her hand came to rest on my knee.

            Not wanting to prod, I tried to remain quiet, watching her as her gaze slowly drifted away from me and back to the window.  A blank expression returned to her face; it was obvious something heavy was on her mind.  "What are you thinking about?" I finally asked, unable to watch her like this any longer.

            Still looking out the window, she answered me.  "I was just thinking about yours and our daughter's future if I don't get to be here with you."

            She said it so matter-of-factly that it caught me off-guard.  _"Lord, I don't want to deal with this… I know I can't deal with this…"  Putting my books on the table and scooting down next to her, I allowed myself to collect my thoughts.  As I leaned in and wrapped my arm around her shoulder, I whispered, "I thought … we were going to do this with faith … and a lot of hope."_

            Her face lightened, she turned to face me.  "This test you've been studying for – you are hoping that you're going to do well on it, right?"

            "Of course," I replied, wondering why she was changing the subject on me

            "Ok. … What are you going to do if things don't go so well on it?"

            "Well, there's another one in two weeks, I can make up for it then."  The response was automatic.

            With a questioning look, she asked me, "If you have faith that God is going to help you on the test, then why have you thought out what you're going to do if it goes poorly.  What about your hope?"

            "Jamie, just because you have faith doesn't mean you shouldn't be prepared in case the Lord's plan is different than your own."  As soon as I said, it hit me.  She had played me, getting me to answer my own question.  My hand covered my face at the realization.

            As she reached over and removed my hand, I could see her pleased reaction.  She leaned in.  Her lips brushing against mine, she whispered, "Exactly."

            As she pulled away, her eyes still gazing into mine, I let out a sigh, "So… how did you want to prepare…?"

            "Well… I have one question for you… It's kind of been on my mind lately."

            "Ask anything."

            "Well…" she began, glancing down at her hands to focus before looking back up.  "Have you thought what you would tell her if she asks about me?"

            I fought off the lump forming in my throat, knowing full-well exactly what I would do.  Grinning, I winked at her.  "That's a piece of brownie."

            She raised her eyebrows in response.  "A piece of brownie, huh?  Don't you mean a piece of cake?"

            "Nope.  It's definitely a piece of brownie."  I had gotten up off the couch and walked over to the bookcase.  "The way I figure it, brownies are much easier to make than cakes – no multiple layers, no frosting… So something that's a piece of brownie is much easier than something that's a piece of cake."

            "Ahh…  I see," she giggled.  "So what would you say?"

            I picked up the videotape off of the shelf.  "I wouldn't have to say a thing."  Smiling, I popped it into the VCR and hit play, rejoining Jamie on the couch.

            I watched the blush creep into her face and her smile grow as she watched the screen and the images of her that filed it.  Our Fourth of July celebration on the hammock in my mom's backyard, her singing in the church choir, her sitting on the balcony reading in the sun, me taking her in my arms for a spontaneous dance in the living room while our parents were over for dinner one night, her sleeping alongside of me in bed with her head resting on my shoulder – all taped without her knowledge, thanks to a little help from my mom.

            Giving me a playful elbow in the ribs, she exclaimed, "Don't you know it's illegal to videotape someone without their permission?"

            I leaned in, trying unsuccessfully to control my smirk as I whispered, "What are you going to do, have me arrested?"

            Looking up, she thought out her answer before replying.  "While that is very tempting… no.  I think you earned too many cookie points with that move."

            "Cookie points?  Don't you mean brownie points?" I asked.

            "Nope.  If you get to use 'a piece of brownie,' I get to use 'cookie points!'" she laughed.  

Resting her head on my shoulder she returned her attention to the videotape. 

_My face came into focus as I adjusted the camera only the night before in our bedroom.  Jamie was sitting in bed reading.  Climbing into bed, I positioned myself behind her, leaning up against the headboard and wrapping my arms around her as she set her book to the side._

_"All-time favorite moment?"_

_She smiled.  "Easy – right after we found out we were expecting. You reached over, stroked my stomach, and told me … How did you say it…?  Oh yeah.  'There's a part of the two of us living and growing inside of you, and I can't wait to meet it.'  It was the first moment we shared as a family – just the three of us."_

_I leaned down, kissing her neck before continuing.  "Most frustrating moment?"_

_"Oh dear," she began, before breaking into a fit of laughter.  "Third grade.  You broke every single one of my pencils and crayons at the beginning of the day.  I stayed in during morning recess and glued and taped them back together, only to find them broken again after lunch."  Jamie turned her head to look at me.  "I remember complaining to my father about it.  He told me that you probably just had a crush on me and didn't know how to treat me."_

_I chuckled, having completely forgotten about it._

_"And you know what?" she continued.  "Now, I have to say… I think he was right."  With a simple wink, she sent chills down my spine._

_"Umm…" I tried to recover.  "Most important lesson you've learned?"_

_"That God's greatest gifts are never expected."  She settled down against me, relaxing.  "Why so many questions tonight, Landon?" _

_"No reason in particular… other than my strong desire to know every last thing about you."  My head leaning up against hers, I continued, "One more?"_

_She sighed, "Of course."_

_"What do you want your legacy to be?"_

_Jamie was silent for sometime, deep in thought.  "I want to be remembered as someone who trusted God through it all – the good and the bad – and never failed to appreciate all the blessings He has given me."_

_No more was spoken, as she drifted off to sleep and I sat there looking down on her as she slept._

The tape began to rewind, having reached the end.  Jamie reached over and grabbed a tissue, wiping her eyes.

"Does that help?"

She repositioned herself on the couch so that she was facing me and wrapped her arms around my neck.  "Mmmm…"

I smiled, "There's just one problem though…"

"What's that?"  Her playful, inquisitive face was coming out to show itself.

_"Oh if she only knew the affect she had on me?" I thought.  "Our daughter would have to fight me for that video, because I think I would be watching it pretty much non-stop."_

Leaning in, she rubbed her nose against mine before replying.  "At least we don't have to worry about that.  Afterall, we've got faith… and a lot of hope."

"So what are my cookie points redeemable for, anyway?" I breathlessly asked, her face still rested on mine.

Jamie didn't respond.  Instead, she pulled back ever so slightly, gently kissing my forehead before moving down and kissing the tip of my nose, then resting her lips on mine.  I settled into the kiss, trying to ignore the spark of electricity that was shouting out at me, _"Something's changed."_


	19. A Few Things to Take Care Of

Chapter Nineteen:

A Few Things to Take Care Of

_Zipping up my jacket, I stepped outdoors and walked up to the mailbox, bracing myself against the swift, cool breeze._

_"You have finally learned."  Turning around, I was startled to see an older man standing directly behind me.  His deep voice blended in with the wind as he spoke.  "Landon, you have finally learned."  _

_            "Learned what?" I asked, shivering in the cold air.  He had a familiar quality about me that I could not place._

_            "To walk by faith, not by sight -- it's 2 Corinthians 5:7.  I'm so pleased to see it in your life."  After patting me on the back, he continued down the street._

_            Warmth resided from his touch, as I watched him go on his way.  "Hey," I called after him a moment later, "how do you know my name?"_

_            He turned, letting out a good chuckle as his face lit up.  "Some things cannot be explained with words, but must be felt with the heart."  He turned to continue, before adding, 'Remember Psalms 42:11:  'I will put my hope in God!  I will praise Him again – my Savior and my God!'  I promise it won't steer you wrong."_

_            The sunlight was just beginning to peak through the curtains as I fully allowed myself to wake up.  The morning was still young, but no matter how hard I tried to fall back asleep, it evaded me, my mind not being able to forget about the dream.  __"'I will praise Him again… I will praise Him again…'"  I knew what I had to do._

            Gently lifting Jamie's arm from where it had been resting across my chest, I tried to carefully slide out of bed without waking her.  Thinking I had done so successfully, I quickly got dressed and was just about to walk out of the door when I heard the sheets rustle.

            "Landon? … Where are you going?" she mumbled as she lifted her head from the pillow and forced her eyes to open.

            I approached the bed.  Tucking a few loose strands of hair behind her ear and kissing her on the temple, I whispered, "Shhh… go back to sleep.  I have a few things to take care of."

            Pulling out of the driveway, I knew right where I was heading.  With each turn, as I neared my destination, my sense of purpose only grew stronger.  Parking the car in the church parking lot, I practically jogged up to the front door, only to find it locked.  I looked at my watch and saw it was only 7:50.  My head leaned up against the door in defeat and frustration.  _"I know You want me here… I can feel it."_

_            "It looks like you could use some help," a deep voice greeted me.  Glancing behind me, I was speechless to see the same old man from my dream.  He was wearing leather gloves and had a rake in his one hand.  "The Lord's house should never be locked, in my opinion."  He slid off one of his gloves and reached into his pocket, pulling out a set of keys and unlocking the door for me as I just stared on, completely unable to speak._

            I struggled to find words.  "Th-thank… y-you…"

            The older man smiled, revealing the same wrinkles that had framed his face before.  He put his glove pack on and headed out into the front lawn, calling back at me as he went,  "Anytime, Landon… anytime."

            I approached the front pew and took a seat.  "You have to keep me on my toes, don't You?" I asked into the empty room.  "Well, that you have this past year.  If you would have told me a year ago, that I would be sitting here on New Years Eve morning as a husband, a soon-to-be father, a Bible school student…"  I laughed.  "Then again, I wasn't even speaking to you a year ago – not until Jamie entered my world and opened my eyes."  I was a little surprised by the conversational tone my prayer had taken, but it seemed right… comfortable.  "To think You had this all laid out for me… You knew that I was going to head down the wrong paths… Yet you never gave up on me, and wouldn't allow me to give up on myself.  You have forgiven me, completely and without question."  I could feel a few tears work their way down my face.  Closing my eyes, a melody came back to me, followed by the words.  Suddenly the full meaning of the song hit me, as I sat there, whispering the lines.

_"Find me here._

_Speak to me._

_I want to feel You._

_I need to hear You._

_You are the light_

_That is leading me_

_To the place where_

_I find peace again._

_You are the strength_

_That keeps me walking._

_You are the hope_

_That keeps me trusting._

_You are the life to my soul._

_You are my purpose._

_You are everything._

_And how can I_

_Stand here with You_

_And not be moved by You?_

_Would you tell me_

_How could it be_

_Any better than this?___

_You calm the storms._

_You give me rest._

_You hold me in your hands._

_You won't let me fall._

_ You still my heart._

_And You take my breath away._

_Would you take me in?_

_Would You take me deeper now?_

_Because You're all I want_

_You are all I need._

_You are everything._

_Everything.___

["Everything," Lifehouse]

            I then sat in the silence, drinking it up.  My spirit was lifted and I was set free.  I marveled in the peace that had consumed me.

            "Landon?  Is that you?"

            I nearly jumped off the pew at the sound.  The voice was unmistakable.  Turning around I saw Reverend Sullivan standing at the rear of the church with Mr. Putnam and Mr. Harvey, two of the church elders.  While I definitely was curious how long they had been standing there, I was not embarrassed for anything they might have overheard.

            "I'm sorry to startle you, Landon.  It just surprised me to see you here in the locked church."  He was approaching me, his set of keys still in his hand from unlocking the front door.

            I laughed nervously as I replied, "Well, the older gentleman who does the church's yard maintenance let me in."

            The three men looked between themselves with confused looks, only making my apprehension grow.  Finally Mr. Harvey spoke up, "Landon, we don't have anyone doing our yard maintenance.  Plus, it's the dead of winter – what is there to maintain?"

            Standing there dumbfounded, goosebumps rising on my arms.  _"Now that, I didn't see coming…"_

            Minutes passed before anyone spoke.  It was Mr. Putnam who first got the courage.  "So what brought you to church this early in the morning?"

            I thought back to the verse from the dream before answering.  "I wanted to come to praise God… to thank Him…"

            "For anything in particular?" Reverend Sullivan asked.

            I smiled.  "For a wife who I fall more in love with with each passing day, who seems to know me better than I know myself, and who never gives up on me. … For a daughter who I haven't actually met yet, but who I already love more than life itself and who I know is going to bring so much joy into my life. … And of course … for hope, which is always enough to keep me going."  I paused to think before continuing, "What don't I have to thank Him for is a much better question – you would get a much briefer answer." Shaking their hands, I excused myself, not wanting to get in the way of their work.  

            "Mrs. Williams, how are you doing this morning?" I asked as I entered her small shop across town.

            "I'm doing just fine, Landon.  And yourself?" she chimed in from the back room, peeking her head through the window in the wall.

            "Never been better."  I leaned against the counter.  "So how's my special request coming?"

            "I just finished it yesterday… You know, I have to confess that when you approached me after church to have me do this, I was caught quite off guard."  She came around the corner, a box in hand.  Lifting the lid, she pulled them out for me to inspect them.

            One look at the pale yellow fabric and tiny blue flowers sprinkled across it, and I knew it was perfect.  I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my wallet.

            "No, no, no… you put that back."  

            "But I haven't paid you yet…" I objected.

            She was bent down under the counter, trying to find a bow for the package.  "And you're not going to.  Consider it my gift to you and Jamie."  

            "I don't know what to say…"

            Smiling, she handed me the package.  "You don't have to say a thing, Landon.  Just realize people are really proud of you and the choices you are making with your life."

When I returned home, all of the blinds were still closed and the house was dark.  I knew Jamie still had to be asleep.  

I walked into the kitchen to grab some orange juice, only to find the light on the answering machine flashing.  Sitting down at the counter, glass in hand, I pushed play.

            "This is Nancy from Dr. Nelson's office calling.  The doctor has expressed a desire to talk to either one of you if you have the time to drop by his office this morning.  He says it will be brief.  Thank you."

            _"What would he want to talk to us for?  We were just in his office a few days ago.  Why can't it wait until our next appointment?"  My mind went through a million scenarios, trying to deduce the intentions of the call.  As much as I wanted to wait on Jamie to wake up to head over, my curiosity got the best of me.  I had soon erased the message and left, driving straight for his office._

            Walking into the doctor's office, I tried to fight the growing apprehension.  Nancy instructed that I go and wait in his office and he would be right in to talk to me.  _"Okay… I really should have waited for Jamie… I am far too nervous to be doing this on my own…"_

_            "Landon," Dr. Nelson greeted me from the door a few minutes later.  He walked over and took a seat at his desk before he continued.  "I really don't know how to say this…"_


	20. The New Start

Chapter Twenty:

The New Start

            "It's a chilly 31° here in New York City, and we have just under one hour left until the New Year."  Dick Clark's voice announced over the TV.  Jamie and I were curled up on the couch, watching the countdown while she flipped through a book of baby names.

            "How about April?" she asked.

            "It's a pretty name… but you know what everyone is going to ask her, don't you?" I began.

            She shook her head.

            "'Why were you named April if you were born in March?'"

            She laughed.  "So are you saying you want to name her March, or you want me to wait an extra month and deliver in April?"

            "Hmm… would you mind waiting?  I mean, it would be so much more convenient with my school schedule," I mused, looking down at her.  I caught a sudden jab in my side from her elbow.  "Ouch!  I take it that's a no."

            My mind drifted back to the morning_.  _

_Leaving Dr. Nelson's office, I had sat in the car for over a half-hour, reeling in the effects of the news.  Rushed with a flood of emotions, I had been incapable of thought.  _

Now… it seemed like that was all I could do… drift off in thoughts of how suddenly everything had changed…

            "Landon? … What do you think of that one?"

            Pulling myself back to the present, I tried to cover for my lack of attention.  "I like it."

            Apparently that had been a mistake, because Jamie began to giggle… and didn't stop.  "Are you sure about that one? … Then I'll let you explain to our family how our daughter came to be named Shopping Carter. … Where were you?"

            "Jamie, have you ever felt like you've been traveling in a dark tunnel … and now … out of nowhere … you exit the tunnel … and then are so blinded by the light?"  

            She sat up and turned to look at me, concern written on her face.  "I'm not sure…  You've been acting strange all day, are you alright?"

            I didn't answer.  Instead I leaned in and kissed her, pulling back when the sparks overwhelmed me with their frequency.  "Don't you feel it?"

            "Feel what? … And who gave you permission to kiss me before midnight?" she mocked. 

            I chuckled, "Sorry."  I paused, reflecting.  "Don't you feel the change…?" I asked before trying to express everything I couldn't say in words through a single, gentle, passionate kiss.  I felt her lean into it, bringing her arms around my neck, as the flickers turned into surges.  

"Now that… that I felt," she whispered, leaning her forehead against mine.  "But you did it again."

"You mean it's not midnight yet?" I asked, pretending to be surprised.

Smiling, she shook her head, before laying it to rest on my shoulder.

            There was a comfortable silence between us while I tried to figure out what to say… how to say it…  I had leaned down to her ear.  "'Hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees?'" I began.

            Jamie joined in with me as I continued.  "'But if we hope for what we do not see…'"  I let her finish, "'we eagerly wait for it with patience.'"

            I lowered my voice to a low whisper.  "What if we don't have to wait any longer?"  Glancing down, I could see that my words hadn't registered, confusion revealing itself in her features.  _"This isn't working… as much as I wanted it to… I'm just going to have to come out and tell her."_

            I took a deep breath before starting.  "I talked to Dr. Nelson today."

            At the mention of his name, she turned to face me.

            "You're … in … remission."  Saying three words had never been more freeing.

            At the sound, I heard her breath catch in her throat.  Her eyes widened as they searched my calm expression, looking for something.  

I knew all too well what that something was.  "This is for real, Jamie," I whispered.  Realizing her reaction mirrored my own from earlier, I smiled.

She opened her mouth to speak, only to change her mind.  The corners of her lips were faintly turned upward.  Slowly, her gaze drifted and she shifted, leaning up against me once more.  As she settled down, I could barely make out the words she mumbled, "Dark tunnel… exit… blinded by the light…"

            The minutes passed, neither of us saying a word, both deep in thought.  Then I heard it, "3… 2… 1… Happy New Year!"  I smiled, _"It's finally __midnight__..."_

_            "Happy New Year," I whispered as I brushed her hair off her back and over her left shoulder.  Slowly, I brushed my lips down the back of her neck and then across her right shoulder, placing light kisses as I went.  My hand tracing its way up her side and then down her arm until her hand was in mine._

            "Mmm…" she sighed, giving my hand a squeeze.  Tilting her head, her eyes met mine, shining with a life of their own.  "Tell me everything."

            I turned the television off as "Auld Lang Syne" played in the background, and then allowed myself to relive the meeting as I recounted it:

_            "I really don't know how to say this…"_

_            I could feel the dread within me building as he began._

_            "I've wanted to say something for some time… but Jamie and you made it very clear that you didn't want to hear the results of any of her blood work…"_

_            I stood up to leave.  "I don't want to hear this… I'm sorry, Dr. Nelson."_

_            "You don't want to know the tests have come back normal for the past month?" he injected._

_            I froze at the door, short of breath, before slowly turning around and sitting back down.  "What?" was all I managed to choke out._

_            He sighed before continuing.  "I can't explain it, Landon.  I've consulted with other colleagues and we are all at a loss for words.  Jamie's blood work has constantly been improving since my first meeting with the two of you… then it turned completely normal."  Slight uncertainty was on his face, and I could see the lack of justification had been bothering him._

_            I struggled to try to say something.  The words were on the tip of my tongue, yet my mouth wouldn't cooperate with me._

_            "Your wife has taught me something.  After all the schooling, you're trained to think that science is the explanation for all of the world's workings… but… that just doesn't fit here."  He paused before continuing.  "It took a lot of inner-turmoil before I could admit that to myself.  Then I remembered the reason that she gave for not wanting to know the results – that she was doing it on 'faith and a lot of hope.'"_

_            After a few moments of silence, I finally managed to speak.  "God's work rarely ever follows our expectations… or even science's explanations… but… how boring would life be if it did?"_

_            "Well… witnessing the power of faith and hope… that … that is a major discovery for some of us in the medical community, Landon," he said, a grin on his face._

            "Did he really say it like that?" Jamie asked me as I finished.

            "Yeah."

            She giggled, drawing a little checkmark in the air with her finger.

            "What?" I inquired.

            "Number 7."

            I joined in her laughter.  "Make a medical discovery."  It was then that it hit me.  "Jamie, what do you think about Hope?"

            She thought a moment before speaking.  "Hope sees you through the darkest of times, allowing you to find that end of the tunnel."  Her thumb was drawing sweeping patterns on the back of my hand.

            "I couldn't agree with you more… but what do you think of Hope as a name?"

            Her smile grew, lighting up her whole face.  "It's … perfect."

            The hours passed, as Jamie and I were given the opportunity to discuss something we had never planned on – our future.  I had no desire to sleep… in fact… I was a little apprehensive about sleeping that night, afraid that if I fell asleep, I would wake up to find that it had all been a dream.

Bright rays of light were just beginning to peak through the windows when I asked, "Where do you see us… on New Years Eve… ten years from now?"

Not hearing any response, I glanced down to see her eyes closed, her breathing slow and deep, her head on my shoulder.  "Well," I whispered as I reached to the back of the couch for the fleece throw and opened it over her, "I see … you … me … and our family … on this very couch … welcoming another new year… and remembering the incredible new start God blessed us with this year."


	21. Doubting and Believing

Chapter Twenty-One:

Doubting and Believing

            "So this is where you ran off to so early yesterday morning," Jamie mused.  The package now lay open on her lap, revealing the two matching dresses – one far smaller than the other.  Her fingers were tracing over the tiny blue flower print that was scattered over the pale yellow background.

            "Well… actually… that wasn't the main reason."

            She glanced up at me, urging me to continue.

            "I stopped by the church."

            "It wasn't even 8:00 when you left, wasn't it locked?" 

            "Yeah, but the maintenance man let me in with his key," I replied without hesitation.

            Her eyebrows rose.  "Landon, my father has never hired anyone to care for the yard.  He always does it himself."

            _"Why does everyone have to keep telling me that…?"  I sighed.  "Yeah, that's what your dad and the church elders told me when they caught me in the still locked church."_

            "Breaking and entering… in a church no less…" she laughed as she set the box to the side.  

            _"Well… I'm glad someone is enjoying this…" I muttered to myself before giving in and laughing._

            Later that afternoon, the doorbell rang.  "Happy New Year, Landon," Reverend Sullivan greeted me with a hug at the front door, behind him stood Mr. Putnam and Mr. Harvey.

            "Come on in," I invited, shaking Mr. Putnam's and Mr. Harvey's hands.  _"What could they possibly want with me…? I hope this doesn't have anything to do with yesterday – as if that wasn't embarrassing enough."_

_            Reverend Sullivan had taken a seat next to Jamie on the couch, so I sat on the opposite end.  _

            After a few minutes, Mr. Putnam got down to business, "We're sorry to drop by unannounced, but we wanted to talk to you about yesterday."

            _"Perfect… just perfect… 'Breaking and entering…' … 'We want to talk to you…'"  It took everything in me not to search for an escape route.  "I'm sorry… it won't happen again."_

            Apparently I had guilt written all over my face, because Reverend Sullivan soon jumped in to clarify.  "No… Landon, we're here because we're hoping it will happen again."  

            "Maybe this would make more sense if you understood why we were there in the first place."  Mr. Harvey interjected.  "The three of us have noticed a need in the church when it comes to our youth – there isn't anything for them to identify with.  The sermons don't exactly captivate them – no offense Hegbert."

            "None taken," Reverend Sullivan replied with a chuckle.

            Even I couldn't help but smile, remembering all the times my mom had to elbow me to keep me awake during those early Sunday mornings.

            "I called both of them yesterday morning and suggested that we stop by the church and pray that God would give us guidance in finding the right person," Mr. Putnam continued with a smile.  "We had no clue that the right person would be waiting for us when we got there."

            _"Me?  The 'right person'?"   I was totally and utterly dumbfounded._

            Reverend Sullivan spoke with a grin, "Landon, we all agree that you would be able to reach our teenagers in a way that others can't.  We'd like to hire you as our youth pastor."  

            That didn't help any.  _"What are they thinking?  I can't be ready for this…"  I instantly wished I had gotten some sleep the night before as I struggled to rationalize my thoughts.  After much struggling, I managed to speak.  "But I'm still in school."  It was an excuse, and I knew it, but I wasn't comfortable at expressing my fears with them quite yet._

            "We realize that and we want you to continue, but that doesn't shake our confidence that you are prepared to start serving now," Mr. Putnam replied.

            _"It's good to know someone's confident…"  Looking over at Jamie, I saw the look of pride on her face as she glanced at her father and then at me.  __"Lord, why does everyone have to be confident except me? … But ohh how I love that reaction…"  I never doubted that Jamie was proud of me… but to see it on her face like that, left me in awe and wishing I could do something to make it stay there.  __"Not that that makes this any easier…"_

            I sat there in shock, listening as the three explained what they had envisioned for me.  They wanted me to lead a youth group from our house, attending sporting events or plays at the junior high and high school when possible to show my support.

            "In short, we want them to have someone they can trust, who understands what they are going through, and who can give them words that mean something to them."

            Mr. Harvey said it as if it was such an easy thing to do, but the whole concept seemed completely overwhelming to me.  _"Lord, I'm still learning, still discovering… How can I possibly teach when I feel like I know so very little?"_

            "Landon, can you help me put the clothes in the dryer? … If you'll excuse us for just a second…"

            I followed Jamie in my haze into the laundry room and opened the washing machine.  "Jamie, the washer's empty."

            "I know."  Her voice muted, she looked at me, her proud expression quickly revealing one of concern.  "You seemed a little weighed down, and I thought that you might need to talk."

            I sighed.  "I'm not ready yet.  I have so much left to learn."

            "There will always be more to learn.  Ask my dad – he'll tell you that even he still hasn't figured everything out yet."  She smiled.  "That hasn't kept him from sharing what he does know to those around him. … He told me once, that his greatest lessons were learned while trying to guide someone else."

            "And when I have no clue what to say… how to say things?" I questioned.

            "'Don't worry about how or what you should speak, for you will be given what to say at that hour.' Matthew 10:19."  

            _"She always has an answer, doesn't she?"  While part of me found this to be a great comfort, there was no denying that a small part was frustrated with myself for being blind to the truth that was seemingly so clear to her._

            "You know what I think?" she asked, taking hold of my hand.

            "No.  What do you think?"

            "I think it's time that you started doubting your doubts and believing your beliefs."  With a squeeze, she let my hand go.  Turning, she placed the two clean towels that were setting on the top of the dryer inside, and got it started.

            _"Doubting… That's what I was doing, wasn't it?… I can't believe I doubted Your plan."  As the two of us returned to the living room, laundry "taken care of," I remembered a verse Mr. Morelock had been talking about a few weeks back:  __"'…when he asks, he must believe and not doubt…' James 1:6. …  Well, this 'he' might have doubted… but it's about time 'he' started believing…"_

            "Landon, we didn't mean to interrupt anything.  Just know that our offer still stands."  Reverend Sullivan had gotten up off the couch and gave Jamie a hug, as Mr. Putnam and Mr. Harvey made their way towards the front door.

            I took a deep breath before speaking.  "When do you want me to start?"


	22. The Rewards of God's Work

Chapter Twenty-Two:

The Rewards of God's Work

            "Is this seat taken?" a man whispered behind me.

            Focusing my attention away from the front of the church where the choir was well into its third song and into the aisle, I saw Dr. Nelson standing along the side.  "Not at all.  It's great to see you."  I said, shaking his hand.  "I didn't know you came to church here."  

            Jamie, who had been standing up front with the choir, had noticed his entrance, and gave a low wave as she sang.

            He waved back.  "Actually, this is my first visit here.  After our chat a few days ago, I realized that I couldn't keep on hiding forever…"

            _"That sounds familiar…"  I nodded in agreement.  __"The thing is we can't hide, no matter how hard we try."_

            Reverend Sullivan stepped up to the pulpit and opened the service with a prayer.  It was only then that I fully grasped the magnitude of what Dr. Nelson had said.  _"He's here after 'our chat'… wow…"  I had never thought that anything that I said or did could have that kind of affect on someone.  __"It wouldn't surprise me if it was Jamie… I mean, she's been in church her whole life, could probably quote entire chapters of the Bible verbatim if needed, and always had a special word for people… But me? … Thanks for choosing to use me."_

_            Hearing that he had gone on to the announcements, I sighed.  I knew full well what was next.__ "There was no going back now… Mr. Harvey had even put it in the church bulletin.  Lord, why don't they just post a big billboard right in front of the house?  Not that I'm giving you any ideas.  Don't get me wrong… I'm actually getting excited about this, but there's something to be said for starting small…"_

            Judging from the applause and the pats on the back I was receiving from people behind me who I had never spoken to before, I realized the announcement had been made.  _"That was painless… Ok… maybe I spoke too soon…"  As I looked around, all eyes were on me.  __"Well, at least they're smiling…"  _

Following the exaggeratedly loud applause, I found my parents two rows back.  _"What a great locating device…  Glad to see that they're trying not to embarrass me."  When my dad had heard that Reverend Sullivan was going to introduce me to the church as the new youth pastor, he chuckled, telling me, "Reverend Sullivan, saying good things about my son, in a church no less?  I'm there."  _

There was definitely some truth to those words.  _"Now that I think about it, this is the first time that he has spoken about me during his sermons since the cement factory incident where he had advised that everyone 'Pray for the lives of the others involved who are clearly not on the path of righteousness.' … My how things have changed…"_

I was adrift in thoughts that morning.  When I finally pulled myself back to the present, I realized that Reverend Sullivan was just finishing up the sermon.  "I thought I would close today with Romans 5:5.  The verse grew rather poignant to me yesterday.  'This hope does not disappoint, because God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.' …"

_"You have yet to disappoint me, and I'm confident now that You never will.  You've given me an eagerness, an excitement to see what you have planned for me next…"  _

The sudden group of gasps, _amen's and __thank you Lord's coming from the room drew me from my thoughts.  Reverend Sullivan stood with tears in his eyes, and I instantly knew he had shared about our miracle.  _

_            My mind retreated to the following afternoon when we had revealed the good news to our parents:_

_On his way out, Reverend Sullivan had stopped, and gave me a hug, whispering, "Now that's the way to take care of my daughter," in my ear._

_I'll never forget the look on his face when I quickly replied, "It goes to show that even the unplanned parts of our lives are definitely within the Lord's plan, doesn't it?"_

_"Yes, it certainly does."  His eyes had grown misty.  "Let me tell you something Landon.  You never stop learning."_

Later that afternoon, Mrs. Hunter, Eric's mother, dropped by.  "Landon, I meant to talk to you this morning after church, but by the looks of the crowd of people gathering around you and Jamie, I could tell you would be there for some time, and I thought the last person you would want holding you two up was little old me…" she began to ramble as soon as I had opened the door – without even a simple 'hello'.  She was always on the go – something which was clearly evident in her rapid, drawn-out speech.  "You remember Rachael, don't you?"  

Eric's sixteen year old little sister stood just behind her mother, looking like she was about to die of humiliation.  "It's Rach," she said, addressing me.

"You know I've never been fond of that nickname, Rachael.  After the 19 hours of labor I went through to have you, the least you could do is keep the name I gave you."  She said, turning towards her daughter.

Rach just rolled her eyes.

"Anyways, Landon, I was hoping you could talk to _Rachael, for a few minutes."  Mrs. Hunter continued, returning her attentions to me.  I couldn't help but chuckle at the emphasis she placed on the name as she quickly glared back towards her daughter.  "I'd really like to see her coming to youth group on Tuesday nights."  Before I could even reply, she had entered the house and was heading towards the kitchen.  "Oh Jamie, what are you doing washing dishes in your condition?  Don't you know you're supposed to milk this for all it's worth, Honey?"_

I laughed as I heard Jamie try to explain to no avail that we had been doing them together.

Rach was still standing on the porch, so I grabbed my jacket and stepped out to join her.  "Do you always like to stand out in the cold?"

"If it gets me a few seconds of quiet, yes."  She glanced up at me and smiled.

I took a seat on the front step.  "I see your mom in church almost every week.  How come I never see you with her?"

"I went a few times, but she had to constantly keep making sure I was still awake, which didn't make her too happy.  She finally told me that if I didn't find it important enough to remain alert during the service, than I shouldn't bother going… so I haven't."  She took a seat down next to me.  "All day she's been talking non-stop about you, and how I really should start going to youth group."  

I detected a touch of sarcasm in her voice, so I dished it right back.  "How dare she talk about me?  She's a married woman!"

            She laughed, relaxing a bit, but she soon grew serious.  "So tell me, what's the big deal about this 'God' anyway?"

            "What's the big deal?" I repeated, caught off guard by the sudden question.

            "Yeah, I mean, everyone is always talking about He is so great and stuff… but I just don't get it.  And I know full well about some of the stuff you and Eric pulled.  If you've somehow found some value in Him, I'm curious to know what it is."

_            "'Don't worry about how or what you should speak, for you will be given what to say at that hour.' Matthew 10:19."  I pondered my response for a few seconds before responding.  "Do you have a job?"_

            "You had better not be changing the subject on me…" she warned.  "Yeah, I help Mr. Riley with his ice cream shop downtown during the summers.  Who do you think has been giving you extra scoops the past two years when you've came in?  It's nice to see you've noticed."

            "Not notice an extra scoop of chocolate chip mint?  Of course I've noticed, Rach.  I just thought maybe you had forgotten to count when you scooped them, and I didn't want to correct you…"  I winked at her.

            She glared at me before conceding into laughter.  "Sure…"

"When you work, do you take your breaks?  Do you ever take days off?"

            "You bet I do," she scoffed.  "Fifteen minutes every four hours, and I'm not about to spend my entire summer asking 'one scoop or two' since I _do count."_

            "Well, the great thing about God is that he doesn't."

            She looked at me questioningly.  "Doesn't count?"

            "No," I chuckled as I continued.  "God is over-worked and under-appreciated.  If the labor unions had anything to say about it, he would have long ago been taken care of.  You see, when everyone else is busy with their own lives and problems, God is always there, always listening, always looking out for you – even when you don't ask him to.  He never takes a break, never has days off, and is on duty 24/7."

            "How can you afford His overtime?" she asked, looking me straight in the eyes.

            "A chance to be a part of your life is all he asks… the rewards of God's work are all yours."

            The front door opened, and Mrs. Hunter rushed out.  "Rachael, we need to be going.  I need to swing by the grocery store to get some milk and then we need go get your father at work."  She was already halfway down the driveway.

            Rach stood up and followed after her, no doubt well-used to it.  Pausing, she turned around.  "Tuesday's at 7:00, right?"

            "You got it!"

            Jamie stood staring at me at the front door, stunned, as I returned inside.  "What did you say to her?  Mrs. Hunter was convinced that nothing was going to get through to her."

            "You want me to reveal my secrets?" I questioned through my grin.  "Well…" I sighed, placing my hands on her lower back and rubbing my thumbs in small circles as I began to recount the conversation.

            A few minutes later, I started to feel Jamie head toward the living room.  I kept my hands in place, momentarily pausing to ask, "Mind if I follow?"

            She tilted her head and smiled.  "You keep rubbing my back like that and you can follow me anywhere…"


	23. Pulling Doors

Chapter Twenty-Three:

Pulling Doors

            "And just what do you think you're doing out of bed?" Jamie inquired as she caught me walking down the staircase.  "I was just going to bring you up some soup."

            "It's Tuesday.  I have youth group in a few hours.  Besides, I've been in bed for two days…  Come on Nurse Carter, have some leniency on me."  I winked, hoping she'd somehow take pity on me.  Ever since I came down with a cold over the weekend, Jamie had relished the opportunity to take care of me.  While I had sincerely appreciated it, I was feeling much better.  My sore throat was gone, and with the slight exception of the vice that still seemed to be clamped on my head, I felt pretty good.

            She walked up to me, placing her hand on my forehead.  "You still feel a bit warm… but as long as you're down here, you might as well eat your lunch."

            Grinning in victory, I took my seat at the counter and slowly blew the steam from the chicken noodle soup.

            "Don't get to comfortable, because as soon as you're finished you're heading back to bed."

            True to her word, it wasn't long before I was being led back upstairs.  "What about the kids?  I can't let them down."

            "They've had you for four weeks.  They'll just have deal with me this week.  You wouldn't want to possibly expose them to a cold would you?"

            _"My goodness she's persistent," I mused.  "I feel much better.  Besides, you should be the one that's resting – not me."_

            "I'm fine.  I've had an extra burst of energy today."  She pulled the covers up around me.  "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a lesson to plan."

            "You're stealing all my fun."

            "Yep, I'm a regular thief, Landon.  Now get some rest.  I'm sure the police department in your dreams would be more than willing to take a full report."  With that she closed the door.

            "Not funny!" I called after her, hoping she was still within hearing distance.  _"Oww… that was not wise."  The throbbing in my head increasing in intensity, I laid back, allowing myself to drift in and out through the rest of the afternoon._

            I woke up later that evening to the sound of laughter filtering upstairs from the living room.  _"I wonder what she decided to talk about…"  My curiosity quickly got the best of me.  I crept out of the bed room and positioned myself right besides the staircase, struggling to hear what was going on._

            It was Jamie's voice that I made out.  "A concerned man visited a psychiatrist, explaining that he had been having a recurring dream.  In it, he was standing at a large door with a sign on it.  No matter how hard he struggled to push the door, it wouldn't budge.  He would wake up and be unable to get back to sleep, too worried that the door would never open for him.  After he begged for help, the psychiatrist said that she would try her best, but that first she would need to know what the sign on the door had said.  Sitting back in his seat, the man thought for a minute, before recalling the sign had said 'Pull.'"

            I tried to control myself – oh did I try – but I just couldn't manage to keep from laughing along with the others.

            The living room suddenly grew silent.  _"Oh no… I've been caught."  It didn't take long for my suspicions to be confirmed.  _

            In unison, I heard the whole group call up to me, "Get some rest!" before bursting into laughter.

            As I trudged to the bedroom defeated, I smiled, overhearing Jamie continuing her lesson, "We all have these doors in our lives that are holding us back from where we need to be, but we need to learn to trust that God will provide us with the instructions on how to open them if we keep our hearts open…"

_"What have been some of my doors?"  I wracked my brain.  __"Well… there was my pride, for starters.  I was so sure I could handle my life on my own, almost ruining it in the process… but You definitely did send instructions…"_

            Settled back in bed a while later with my hands resting beneath my head, I fought off the boredom by inspecting the plastered ceiling that I had never really paid attention to before.  The overall pattern resembled a sea of waves crashing upon the shoreline.  _"All that's missing are the seagulls… Oh wait… there's one…"_

            "Are the mountains on your ceiling really that interesting?"

            "They're waves," I corrected, as I turned my head toward the voice.  "Rach, you came."  Over the past four weeks, I had hoped she would show, only to be disappointed when the evenings came to a close.

            "Yeah, finally," she sighed with a slight smile.  "It took a little pushing, but I'm here."

            "What do you mean?"

            "Oh, you know… the 'flunked a major math test, needed to talk to someone, Mom was off running who knows where, Dad was at work, friends were far too consumed with their own lives'… that kind of pushing."  

            I failed to grasp what she was getting at.

            She laughed.  "You did tell me that God was the only one who was _always there for us.  It just took an instance where nobody else was there to prove it to me."_

            _"Thank you."  I grinned.  "What did you talk about tonight?"_

            "Trusting God for direction, then Michael and I taught Jamie a thing or two about trust falls."  She said it so casually.

            I sat up straight in bed, my head soon regretting the hasty move.  "You didn't!"

            "Rachel it's time to go.  You've got some studying to do and I have a telephone message from your math teacher to attest to it!"  Mrs. Hunter's voice had no problem reaching us upstairs.

            "Coming!" Rach yelled down the hall before turning around to face me.  "I guess Mom's going to be there now.  Oh… and relax, Snoop, I was teasing about the whole 'trust fall' thing.  See you next week."  

            An hour passed before Jamie joined me up in the bedroom, I assumed after finishing tidying up after everyone had left.  She walked in silently, gently sitting down at the head of the bed.  Glancing up at her, I was surprised to see her face faintly flushed, looking quite apprehensive.

            "Oh no," I groaned.  "You're getting my cold, aren't you?  I'm so sorry."

            She forced a slight grin.  "No, I'm not getting your cold… but I think I will need a doctor."  Her speech was tainted with pain.

            "No…" I tried to convince myself as I sat up.  "You're not due for another three weeks.  No…"

            "Landon, my water broke while I was downstairs."

            I tried to remain calm, but it was of little use.  "But you haven't even packed your bag yet!"

            "I know, but you can grab a couple quick things for me… It's not like we have a lot of say in this."  Her composed demeanor was amazingly comforting.

            _"Ok, Lord…You're going to have to guide me here…" _

            A few minutes later, pulling the front door open, we left the house, realizing that change was waiting for us on the other side.


	24. Waiting with Patience

A/N:  I just wanted to thank everyone for being so patient with me.  I realized something as I finally sat down to complete my story.  While I told myself that the delay for this chapter was because of a busy schedule, I recognized that it was more about Someone reminding me a little about patience.  Nothing that I come up with alone can even begin to compare to the results I can achieve through God.  After waiting with patience myself, I have the next chapter to present to you.  He uses everything possible as a learning experience, doesn't He?  :-)  The final chapter is complete, and I will be posting it in a few days after a little editing.  

Chapter Twenty-Four:

Waiting with Patience

            "… A few minutes later, pulling the front door open, we left the house, realizing that change was waiting for us on the other side."  I paused, listening to the rain hitting the window panes.

            The light sigh interrupting the rhythm of the rain caused me to glance back to my arms.  The clasping fingers… the pursing lips… the deep brown eyes that suddenly fluttered open before slowly falling shut… 

            Tiptoeing over to the bassinet placed beside the bed, I lowered her down, watching her breathing return to its deep, slow rhythm.  "My little Hope Anne….  I can't even begin to tell you how this little story of ours is going to go from here… I guess we'll just have to wait patiently while our Writer inscribes our next chapter…"   

            "'We eagerly wait for it with patience.'" A faint whisper added.  Turning around, I saw Jamie lying on her side watching us.

"I thought you were asleep."

She shook her head.  "I couldn't miss Hope's first story time with Daddy, now could I?"

"Well… she was asleep before I even got to the opening night of the play," I muttered as I climbed onto the bed and curled up behind Jamie, resting my hand on her side.

Even though I couldn't see the smile, I knew it was there.  I could hear it in her voice.  "I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities to tell it."  Jamie lifted my hand, sliding back up against me before resting my arm in front of her.

Nuzzling up to her, my words were just audible.  "The story of you and me…"

"And the importance of Hope," she finished.

Lying there, I reveled in the feeling of having my wife within my arms, listening to the small breaths coming from the bassinet not two feet away. I drifted into a restful sleep, thinking, _"If there is such a thing as perfection on earth, I have definitely found it…"_


End file.
